V.G. Movies #25: Postal.

[Welcome back to the Evolution of Video Game Movies series. Every week, I will be moving forward through time, starting with the earliest and ending with the most recent of video game movies. I will be detailing the histories of the games and how the films came about, and both my and fan reaction to the adaptations. Practically all of my background information is either common knowledge or from Wikipedia. So without further ado, let's move on to the next film on the list.]

THE HISTORY

I'll give you the short version, because it's not really all that relavant to much of anything. The Postal game series are a bunch of shooters that are known for being incredibly controversial due to... well... trying to be as violent and offensive as possible. There's not much of a plot to these games, mostly hinting at things like a viral infection causing people to go crazy, an apocalypse, terrorists, and some other things. But on the whole, you don't know much... not even the main character's name, who just goes by "Postal Dude."

So of course, the king of offensive himself, Uwe Boll, had to get the rights for the movie. He took most of his ideas for the film from the second game in the series, Postal 2. And, as most Uwe Boll movies do, it sucked and flopped. And I reviewed it already two years ago, so you get to see that review again. Yay!

THE FILM

I wanted to like this movie... I really did. And in fact, part of me did. At least, certain parts of it. But it was just so... I don't know. Let's get into it, shall we? Based on the video game of the same name, Postal cannot be blamed for ruining the story of the game. Why? Because the game has no story. So how can you mess up a movie adaptation? Well, Uwe Boll found a way. Set a few years after 9/11, the story follows Dude (Zack Ward) as he has a really bad day, including his overly obese wife cheating on him with, well, apparently the whole town. His uncle, Dave (Dave Foley), runs a sham of a religion that he made up himself. But he and his right hand, Richard (Chris Coppola), run afoul of the government and owe a lot of money. Meanwhile, Osama Bin Laden (Larry Thomas) shacks up in the back of Habib (Erick Avari) and his daughter's convenience store and plans, along with a man named Mohammed (Michael Benyaer), some secret, dastardly plan that is even crazier than 9/11. And all of these stories will converge... with Verne Troyer.

Yeah, the biggest problem the movie has is that it tries to do way too much. There's even a subplot with a police officer that I didn't mention up there, not to mention a couple horny old men that are thrown in from time to time. And not only with different storylines, but different things going on within each storyline. It just feels like a total mess.

The comedy is really hit or miss, and considering this is a comedy, that's not a good thing. It's a very over-the-top screwball-type comedy, not to mention it tries to be as offensive as possible. I actually went into the movie expecting it to be offensively bad and batshit crazy as I'd heard rumored. This movie really was tame, especially in comparison to films like Feast 2 and 3. But there are some genuinely funny moments. Unfortunately, most of these moments happen within the first 20 or so minutes. For instance, the opening with the 9/11 terrorists, the interview scene (with "That Guy" Rick Hoffman), and the Asian lady in the car scenes were great (actually, the interview scene is probably my favorite scene in the whole movie). There's also a scene that introduces yet another character, a coffee shop worker named Faith, that is hilarious. And I haven't even mentioned the fact that J.K. Simmons needed a paycheck pretty bad for this movie, too (though his role is horribly short).

The acting can range from decent to awful. Zack Ward is pretty good in the lead role. He does comedy well. Dave Foley would have been better had I not have been subjected to seeing his penis. And I loved how Bin Laden was the only middle eastern character who didn't have a middle eastern accent. The worst offense, however, has to go to Chris Coppola as Richard, who is so annoyingly over-the-top, he would have ruined the movie had it already not been disappointing.

I think the action is where the movie lacked the most. In a movie about a first-person shooter that is known for being nothing but pure violence, there is surprisingly little. In fact, the violence doesn't really kick in until quite late in the movie. Though I wonder if Uwe Boll did this purposefully so to have a single joke work: There's a scene where Mr. Boll cameos as himself being interviewed, and eventually the creator of the Postal video games appears and attacks him, claiming how he's ruined his game by making this movie. It's actually a fun and clever scene, and Uwe Boll gained a bit of respect with me in how he makes fun of himself in the scene. But really... you make the majority of the movie suck for the purpose of a single joke that actually makes fun of the movie maker? That's pretty ballsy... and I don't think it worked, if that was really his intention.

But where the movie failed, it failed epically. Where it failed to be clever, it was painfully stupid. Where it failed to be funny, it was painfully unfunny. And unfortunately, there were more bad moments than good. The movie was a pretty big mess overall, and I wish that the good was scattered throughout the film instead of lumped at the beginning. 

I'm sure there's more I wanted to say about this film, but I'll leave it at that. With a tighter script, this movie could have been decent. But as it is, the movie is a bit sub-par. There are some fine moments, like I said (check out the interview scene here). But these scenes were far overshadowed by the rest.


Feed Me, Seymour!

(P.S. What is the difference between duck?)