THE EXPENDABLES 2.

The first film was a pretty big disappointment. There was a lacking story, but the characters and action didn't make up for it--mainly because of an over-reliance on CGI and the fact every action sequence was edited to hell. It was incredibly mediocre to say the least. So a lot of people had dropped expectations for this one... but did they need to? Barney Ross (Sylvester Stallone) owes Church (Bruce Willis) big time, and Church is making sure he pays up. There's was a plane that crashed carrying some very top secret information, and he wants Barney's team to retrieve it, taking along the skilled Maggie (Nan Yu) to help. Of course, he gets caught up in a bomb-plot headed by Jean-Claude Van Damme and has to defeat him. So with the help of Jason Statham, Dolph Lundgren, Terry Crews, Randy Couture, Liam Hemsworth, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Chuck Norris... they go on this mission. (Jet Li is also briefly in the movie.)

I'll start right off by saying what pretty much everybody else has said: This is what the first movie should have been, and what everybody pretty much expected the first movie to be. You know that awesome moment in the first film where it's Stallone, Arnold, and Willis in the church for 5 minutes just talking? This is that, but taken into action and expanded. It's all of the action stars you love, kicking ass side-by-side, dropping one liners, and making meta jokes about each other's careers.

There are really only a handful of action sequences in the film, but when you do have the, they are fantastic. The entire third act in the airport is probably one of the greatest throwback, nerdgasm sequences ever. The interactions between Arnold, Willis, and Norris alone are golden. And speaking of Norris, he's not here much, but he definitely has a badass presence. They even joke about Chuck Norris Facts at one point (well, prior to the third act, but whatever). This film really played up to fanboys, and of course its most meta moments were my favorite.

But the film isn't perfect. The film meanders at times, particularly in the middle and a subplot with villagers being forced to labor for the bad guys. It goes pretty much nowhere. There's a story bit with Statham's girlfriend (played again briefly by Charisma Carpenter) that also goes absolutely nowhere. Randy Couture is basically non-existant. I mean, he's always in the background... but he serves zero purpose in the story. They barely even give him lines. He's just there to be there. And, of course, there's yet again an incredibly over-reliance on CGI. Even on things that have NO NEED to be CGI. There's CGI blood, CGI helicopters/planes, CGI trams, CGI water... it just goes on and on. And that bugged me almost more than anything else.

(Well, almost everything. I had a young woman sitting behind me that was ungodly annoying. It was like having an over-excitable football superfan sitting next to you. She thought everything was 10 times funnier, sadder, more exciting and/or awesome, etc., than anybody else in the theater. And she made sure everyone knew it. It's like "Really, lady? Jason Statham putting on bronze knuckles is that fucking funny/awesome?" Anyway...)

Basically, if you were disappointed by the first one, definitely check out this one. It's everything you wanted the original to be. And there's really no need to see the original first. There's a couple references to it, but really... there's no need. I barely remembered anything about it and I did just fine. The action is awesome. The gleeful 80s-action nerd moments are splendid. There are a lot of meta references, which is great. It's just pure, action-y fun.


A Keanu 'Whoa'

50/50 Review #17: Lone Wolf McQuade.

So I'm from Texas. We all know that. But I might as well not be Texan. I hate country music. I don't like the whole cowboy style. I don't care for westerns. I'm definitely not Republican. And this is my first actual feature with Chuck Norris (No, I never watched Walker, Texas Ranger, either). The movie basically follows Texas Ranger J.J. McQuade (Chuck Norris) who gets a new partner, Kayo (Robert Beltran), just in time to face off against some Mexican gun runners. One of said baddies is Rawley Wilkes (David Carradine). Of course, family and love interests get involved.

First and foremost... what the hell did I just watch? None of this damn movie makes a lick of sense. The character actions are absurd. The villains are ridiculous. And then there are certain scenes here and there that are just laughably cheesy. For instance, there's one scene where Love Interest chases Norris around his yard with a garden hose until they fall to the ground and start making out, only for her to hold the hose upward so that they're making out with water coming down on them in slow motion. Right around this scene, Norris visits the main bad guy, who also happens to be a "little person" in a mechanical wheelchair. He talks WAY over-the-top and even has a wall that spins around to hide him in a secret room. I think even Bond villains would go "...really?" at this. And I will say... it's scenes like those that made the movie for me. I really liked when it went silly and cheesy like that.

What disappointed me was... everything else. To be perfectly honest, after all the build up of Chuck Norris over the years (I mean, the dude is essentially greater than God, if you believe the jokes)... the action was kind of a let down. I never thought the action scenes were all that exciting. Outside of the climax (humvee versus bulldozer?) there was nothing special it. Most of it was just people shooting guns at each other in just... regular kind of ways. It's not very exciting. Again, outside of the climax, the action wasn't all that great to me. Not to mention even when people got shot or hurt, they obviously and clearly never got shot or hurt (almost no blood). Norris, on the other hand, still exhibited a kind of cool factor regardless.

The story wasn't anything special, either. Nothing that hasn't been done a billion times (aloof badass cop gets a rookie partner, stumbles into conspiracy, goes too far, gets his badge taken away at some point, has to go prove himself and save the day after a female family member and/or love interest is kidnapped, etc.). The execution of it, on the other hand, was unique. It was very soap opera-ish. The acting was incredibly over-the-top. The music was ridiculously big and overdramatic. Sometimes it worked, sometimes it didn't.

In the end, the movie was... well, it was alright. It wasn't all that exciting to me. Sorry, Jason. I think it needed to be a little more absurd for me to really love it. I mean, there's a lot I didn't mention that was weird or fun, but it wasn't enough to win me over completely. To be honest, I didn't dislike this movie in any real regard. In the line between so bad it's good and just bad, I don't think it ever crosses into 'just bad'. It always stays in the 'so bad it's good' territory, just not enough for my personal liking.

Stop Saying OK! OK.

(P.S. SPOILERS... Not the dog/wolf! That part made me sad.)