Why Haven't They Made This Yet? #3

[Do you know what I find even more annoying than the constant wave of remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations? People complaining about remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations. Seriously, all I ever hear these days is 'waah, why aren't there any fresh ideas? Everything is (see above) nowadays!' And frankly, I'm getting really tired of it. So instead of joining the ranks, I'm going to embrace all said types of film, and I will be celebrating it in a segment I like to call... "Why haven't they made this yet?"] 

Man, I haven't done this in a while, but I was inspired today while watching the original (especially so close to viewing Where The Wild Things Are) that I had to do it. 

Title: Labyrinth.

Type: Remake. 

About: Almost everybody remembers this trippy classic. It was the film that pretty much launched the career of Jennifer Connelly. As a fantasy (on a magical realism level) full of puppets and a pseudo-musical (with everything written and sung by David Bowie, the film's antagonist), Labyrinth works on many levels. A lot of its visual effects don't hold up today, and with what modern cinema has at its fingertips, this movie could be redone as a modern classic... if done right.

Film Possibilities

Genre: Similar to the original, it would be a trippy, puppet-driven fantasy/pseudo-musical for children and/or young adults.

Why This Movie Could Work: Where The Wild Things Are. If anything was outstanding in that recent film, it was the puppetry and men-in-suits work. Movies have come a long way in the realm of realism and puppets, and if the same people were involved as were with "Wild Things," this film could be outstanding visually. 

Story: Similar to the original, a spoiled girl named Sarah is tired of having to give up her time to babysit her baby brother so her parents can go out. So in a fit of anger, she offers up her brother to the Goblin King, but immediately regrets it. She travels to the Labyrinth and discovers she has 13 hours to get to the middle, through the Goblin City, and to the castle to save her brother before he's turned into a goblin forever. Along the way, she makes friends who help her find her way through the dangerous maze.

In the remake, though, I'm sure there would be the want to detract the magical realism and make Sarah freak out about the whole thing instead of act like everything she sees and experiences is as common as rain. I'd hope that would stay in to keep with the fantastical feel of the story. At the same time, though, maybe the remake could add a bit to the characters of Sarah and possibly the Goblin King to make them more rounded and relatable characters. 

Director: My first instinct, of course, is Spike Jonze (as long as he stays away from Dave Eggers in the script department). For the most part, he did good things with "Wild Things." I could also suggest Tim Burton, who would take this already whacked-out story and, dare I say, make it even crazier and more surreal. Plus he's had the experience with musicals (Sweeny Todd). But he'd probably cast Johnny Depp as the Goblin King, and I have other ideas for him. But I'm gonna go out there and say that I'd like to see another artistic take on it by hiring Guillermo del Toro. He's done his own puppetry work (Hellboy I and II, Pan's Laybrinth). And especially with the aforementioned "Labyrinth" film, I know he could make one heck of a magical realism/fantastical film. 

Cast: I'm gonna stick away from the voice actors for now, though I dare say del Toro should hire Doug Jones for a lot of the men-in-suits bits. Boy that would be a nice paycheck, wouldn't it? My main concerns are the protagonist and antagonist: Sarah and the Goblin King.

First, who would take over for the classic Jennifer Connelly role? There aren't a ton of young actresses who I could see taking the role. Dakota Fanning is too young. I could suggest the hot up-and-comer Emma Stone for the role. I'd say it's what she'd really need to break out, but I think Zombieland just did that. Plus, I'm not sure if she could grab the emotion of the role too well.

That's why I'm going controversial. I'm gonna say the role should go to Kristen Stewart. I know, her Twilight role makes her look like she has the depth of a teaspoon, but I know this girl can act (see: Speak or Adventureland). She can also be the dark, broody girl required of the part. Plus... she actually kinda looks like Jennifer Connelly did at that age.

Then we have our villain, the Goblin King. Famously portrayed by David Bowie, the character needs to be able to sing. The actor should also have an androgynous feel to him, as well as not look ridiculous in eyeliner. I really only had two suggestions. If we were going the "older" route, I'd say Anthony Head. We know the guy can sing (see: Buffy's "Once More With Feeling" or Repo! The Genetic Opera). And he's no stranger to the fantasy realm. But I sincerely doubt they'd go that risky and pick a guy that 1) isn't overly attractive, 2) isn't well known by the mass population, and 3) isn't a draw for the young crowd.

That's why I think the perfect person for this role would be recent American Idol almost-winner Adam Lambert. He can do the falsetto. He can dress up in tights and eyeliner and still look good (he did it every week on Idol). He already has the hair for the role. And he falls into the young, attractive, and popular crowd. He'd certainly draw in the big bucks. Not to mention (in my opinion) he has a great voice.

And that's pretty much all there is to this edition. Thoughts?

9.

I've been psyched for this movie since the first trailer hit at the end of last year. I loved the look of it, and I love post-apocalyptic stories. I also loved the idea of "StitchPunk." The movie takes place in a future where machines and humans have gone to war and destroyed the planet. The machines are no longer functional, except for "The Beast," and the last human (a scientist) gives his life to create 9 little rag dolls that will help continue life on the planet. 9 (Elijah Wood) wakes up in this strange world and is found by the elderly 2 (Martin Landau). But when 2 is taken by The Beast, 9 is then found by the other remaining rag dolls, including friendly 5 (John C. Reilly); the leader, 1 (Christopher Plummer); the bodyguard, 8 (Fred Tatasciore); and the crazy one, 6 (Crispin Glover). They also eventually find (or are found by) 7 (Jennifer Connelly) and 3 and 4 (no voices). And after 9 accidentally awakens a machine while going on a rescue mission for 2, they must find a way to defeat it or be destroyed themselves.

This movie has so much going for it, but it also has one major flaw. Let's talk about the good first. The animation is gorgeous. From the character design to the atmosphere created by the scenery and locations, I absolutely adored the visuals of this movie. It also had a ton of great and imaginative action sequences. 7 was a total badass.

I also picked up on a lot of underlying themes of religion and a hint of religion versus science/alchemy. For instance, the sanctuary--as 1 sees it--is a church, but he rebels against the safe haven of the library full of books about science and whatnot. Of course, there's the more obvious of matchup of machines (soulless AKA science) versus souls (religious). And the movie seems to be about merging the two--not in a scientology kind of way, but more in a "let's work together" kind of way. Or maybe I'm just crazy and reading too much into it, but that's how I saw it all.

The major flaw of the movie, however, was its incredibly short running time. The movie is barely over an hour long without credits (all together, it's 79 minutes). This greatly hinders the movie's potential. I found its biggest problems stemmed from this, such as not taking enough time to develop the characters and know enough about them and their backstories. The most we really get is how 5 lost one of his eyes, which is shown just minutes after you meet him. Sure, you eventually gained sympathy for them (primarily 3, 4, 5, and 7). It was hard not to like the cute 3 and 4. 5 is made purely for sympathetic reasons, and 7 is just an awesome character. But it would have been so much better had they all had more backstory. They were each unique, yes, but beyond the masks and personality traits, there was (ironically) nothing more than an empty shell/doll.

Another issue brought on by the short time span was a lack of plot explanation. I understood what was going on throughout the movie, but then the ending came, and I was like "...huh? Did I miss something?" In an attempt not to spoil things, let me say this as vaguely as possible (though there are probably mild spoilers anyway). What was the whole purpose of the amulet? It seemed circular in logic to me. It was there to release taken souls, but souls wouldn't have been taken without its existence. I was waiting for some higher purpose that never came.

Overall, though, I was highly entertained. It had beautiful animation and great action. There were some fun characters, too, but I just wish there was more depth given to them. The movie desperately needed to be longer and more fleshed out. But otherwise, it was a fun flick. And I'm scoring it based on entertainment value rather than "what it could have been" (I guess that makes me a glass half full kinda guy?).

A Keanu 'Whoa'