Why Haven't They Made This Yet? #3

[Do you know what I find even more annoying than the constant wave of remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations? People complaining about remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations. Seriously, all I ever hear these days is 'waah, why aren't there any fresh ideas? Everything is (see above) nowadays!' And frankly, I'm getting really tired of it. So instead of joining the ranks, I'm going to embrace all said types of film, and I will be celebrating it in a segment I like to call... "Why haven't they made this yet?"] 

Man, I haven't done this in a while, but I was inspired today while watching the original (especially so close to viewing Where The Wild Things Are) that I had to do it. 

Title: Labyrinth.

Type: Remake. 

About: Almost everybody remembers this trippy classic. It was the film that pretty much launched the career of Jennifer Connelly. As a fantasy (on a magical realism level) full of puppets and a pseudo-musical (with everything written and sung by David Bowie, the film's antagonist), Labyrinth works on many levels. A lot of its visual effects don't hold up today, and with what modern cinema has at its fingertips, this movie could be redone as a modern classic... if done right.

Film Possibilities

Genre: Similar to the original, it would be a trippy, puppet-driven fantasy/pseudo-musical for children and/or young adults.

Why This Movie Could Work: Where The Wild Things Are. If anything was outstanding in that recent film, it was the puppetry and men-in-suits work. Movies have come a long way in the realm of realism and puppets, and if the same people were involved as were with "Wild Things," this film could be outstanding visually. 

Story: Similar to the original, a spoiled girl named Sarah is tired of having to give up her time to babysit her baby brother so her parents can go out. So in a fit of anger, she offers up her brother to the Goblin King, but immediately regrets it. She travels to the Labyrinth and discovers she has 13 hours to get to the middle, through the Goblin City, and to the castle to save her brother before he's turned into a goblin forever. Along the way, she makes friends who help her find her way through the dangerous maze.

In the remake, though, I'm sure there would be the want to detract the magical realism and make Sarah freak out about the whole thing instead of act like everything she sees and experiences is as common as rain. I'd hope that would stay in to keep with the fantastical feel of the story. At the same time, though, maybe the remake could add a bit to the characters of Sarah and possibly the Goblin King to make them more rounded and relatable characters. 

Director: My first instinct, of course, is Spike Jonze (as long as he stays away from Dave Eggers in the script department). For the most part, he did good things with "Wild Things." I could also suggest Tim Burton, who would take this already whacked-out story and, dare I say, make it even crazier and more surreal. Plus he's had the experience with musicals (Sweeny Todd). But he'd probably cast Johnny Depp as the Goblin King, and I have other ideas for him. But I'm gonna go out there and say that I'd like to see another artistic take on it by hiring Guillermo del Toro. He's done his own puppetry work (Hellboy I and II, Pan's Laybrinth). And especially with the aforementioned "Labyrinth" film, I know he could make one heck of a magical realism/fantastical film. 

Cast: I'm gonna stick away from the voice actors for now, though I dare say del Toro should hire Doug Jones for a lot of the men-in-suits bits. Boy that would be a nice paycheck, wouldn't it? My main concerns are the protagonist and antagonist: Sarah and the Goblin King.

First, who would take over for the classic Jennifer Connelly role? There aren't a ton of young actresses who I could see taking the role. Dakota Fanning is too young. I could suggest the hot up-and-comer Emma Stone for the role. I'd say it's what she'd really need to break out, but I think Zombieland just did that. Plus, I'm not sure if she could grab the emotion of the role too well.

That's why I'm going controversial. I'm gonna say the role should go to Kristen Stewart. I know, her Twilight role makes her look like she has the depth of a teaspoon, but I know this girl can act (see: Speak or Adventureland). She can also be the dark, broody girl required of the part. Plus... she actually kinda looks like Jennifer Connelly did at that age.

Then we have our villain, the Goblin King. Famously portrayed by David Bowie, the character needs to be able to sing. The actor should also have an androgynous feel to him, as well as not look ridiculous in eyeliner. I really only had two suggestions. If we were going the "older" route, I'd say Anthony Head. We know the guy can sing (see: Buffy's "Once More With Feeling" or Repo! The Genetic Opera). And he's no stranger to the fantasy realm. But I sincerely doubt they'd go that risky and pick a guy that 1) isn't overly attractive, 2) isn't well known by the mass population, and 3) isn't a draw for the young crowd.

That's why I think the perfect person for this role would be recent American Idol almost-winner Adam Lambert. He can do the falsetto. He can dress up in tights and eyeliner and still look good (he did it every week on Idol). He already has the hair for the role. And he falls into the young, attractive, and popular crowd. He'd certainly draw in the big bucks. Not to mention (in my opinion) he has a great voice.

And that's pretty much all there is to this edition. Thoughts?

Why Haven't They Made This Yet? #2

[Do you know what I find even more annoying than the constant wave of remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations? People complaining about remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations. Seriously, all I ever hear these days is 'waah, why aren't there any fresh ideas? Everything is (see above) nowadays!' And frankly, I'm getting really tired of it. So instead of joining the ranks, I'm going to embrace all said types of film, and I will be celebrating it in a segment I like to call... "Why haven't they made this yet?"]

I didn't want to do another video game adaptation so soon, but this one has been on my mind since I conceived the idea for this. I had to get it all down. So here we go.



Title: Super Mario Bros.

Type: Video Game Adaptation/Remake/Reboot.

History: Mario and his brother Luigi were first introduced to us in the original Mario Bros. way back in the 80s. Since then, they've spawned numerous games which have become the second biggest selling game series in history.

One might think that a movie based on Mario would be nearly impossible. And I would agree. Just look at the version done in the 90s with Bob Hoskins. I mean, have you ever looked at the story of the games? Really, truly looked at it? You have two plumber brothers who find themselves in the Mushroom Kingdom. Princess Peach, the sole princess of the kingdom, has been kidnapped by a dinosaur, Bowser. It's up to these two to get her back, traveling to many different lands/worlds to find her. These worlds span kingdoms of giants, ice, water, desert, and more. Along the way they have to face other dinosaurs, turtles, and goombas (creatures of the Mushroom Kingdom that joined Bowser's side). But Mario and Luigi don't have to do this alone. First, they have the guide of a mushroom-headed guy named Toad who helps by saying "The princess is in another castle!" But you also get superpowers. Depending on what icon you consume, you can shoot fireballs, wear a raccoon suit that turns you to stone, hop in a frog suit to swim under water, or become invincible for a short amount of time. All of this in the name of the princess.

How insane is that?

Film Possibilities

Genre: First of all, there's no way this movie could be live action and look as good as it could. But it wouldn't be good enough to have simple animation. Motion Capture would be the way to go. As for genre, it would be action/adventure fantasy. The adventure is obvious by all the travel, and of course the action to go with it. The movie would also have to embrace the fantasy and not try to make it real like the original film did. It would also have to have a lot of comedy. This movie cannot possibly take itself seriously or it'll fail big time.

Why This Movie Could Work: Beowulf. Motion Capture is slowly becoming more and more popular, and even though it's all animated, it can look real without simultaneously looking ridiculous. To top it off, this movie could be 3D, as there's a big 3D craze going on at the moment. Can you imagine all the fireballs and turtle shells flying at you? Awesome.

Story: The Mushroom people and the dinosaur people live in harmony within the Mushroom Kingdom. But the King is dying. Princess Peach is up for the crown, but Chancellor Bowser is a wee bit greedy. He causes anarchy within the kingdom and kidnaps the Princess, waiting for the king to die. If the princess isn't home and alive when the king dies, the crown automatically goes to the next in line: the Chancellor. The kingdom is split, half staying loyal and the other half siding with Bowser. But there's a prophecy of two brothers that will save the kingdom. The king sends Toad to find them, and find them he does. The king sends Mario and Luigi to find the princess and bring her home to claim her crown. So now they must travel the world, through hot and cold, through the strange and stranger, to get her back.

Along they way they discover the powers of the Mushroom Kingdom, and the different abilities they can gain, such as harnessing fire. Hopefully they can reach the princess and defeat Bowser before it's too late.

Director: This is a toughie. Who has experience with Motion Capture, fantasy, adventure, and comedy? Who would be willing to take a gamble, especially after the worldwide infamy that is the first film? I was tempted to throw all that out the window and go with a specific director based on previous work with the following cast, but I think prior knowledge would be important here. I have to go with Robert Zemeckis. He's directed Beowulf, The Polar Express, and the upcoming A Christmas Carol. There's no doubt he knows his Motion Capture. He can do comedy where we know something is serious, but it refuses to take itself as such: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? And he can do the fantastical, as seen in Beowulf and Back to the Future. I really think Mr. Zemeckis would be the perfect director for this.

Cast: This was one of the toughest parts. The king and Toad aren't too worrisome. It's Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, and Bowser we have to worry about. Let's start with our leads. There aren't many actors out there who could do this well. They have to not only make you care for them as you watch them, but they have to have a good chemistry between each other. One has to be portly (which isn't that common in Hollywood), while the other a bit lanky. That's why I feel the following casting is an inspired one (they'd just have to work on the accents and grow thick mustaches):

That's right, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg as Mario and Luigi (respectively). We already know they have chemistry. We already know they can do action (Hot Fuzz). We know they can take something serious and not take it too seriously. And being the nerds that they are, they would treat the material with the utmost respect. As I said, they'd have to work on the accents, but that shouldn't be too hard for either of them. Obviously, the director choice I alluded to earlier was Edgar Wright, having worked with these two before.

But now we have the princess. We need a good looking blonde woman. She'll probably want to be a medium-named actress. Not an Angelina Jolie, but not a no-name, either. Somebody we know and can identify with and who we would want to see rescued, but not somebody so famous that they'd want an extended role (as Peach probably wouldn't be in the film a whole lot). One name springs to mind: Banks.

Her name is all over the place, but I don't think it's Jolie-level quite yet. And who wouldn't want to save Elizabeth Banks from a dinosaur? It'd be perfect.

Finally, our villain. Of course, this is a dinosaur we're talking about. It won't obviously be an actor, so it's the voice we're looking at here. Somebody who can exude evilness in his voice. And if we're going with my script, somebody who can be at least eligant, as he is a chancellor of a magical kingdom. Even if we didn't go with my script, Bowser would have to be a good speaker, as he has so many followers. Only one name crossed my mind. Hugo Weaving. Who didn't get the chills as he went on his rants in The Matrix? Who didn't love listening to him spin rhetoric in V For Vendetta? And we never even saw him in that one (not skin, anyway). He can keep you entranced by voice alone, villain or otherwise. And that's why I think he'd be the perfect Bowser.

And that's pretty much all there is to this edition. Thoughts?

Why Haven't They Made This Yet? #1

Do you know what I find even more annoying than the constant wave of remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations? People complaining about remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations. Seriously, all I ever hear these days is 'waah, why aren't there any fresh ideas? Everything is [see above] nowadays!' And frankly, I'm getting really tired of it. So instead of joining the ranks, I'm going to embrace all said types of film, and I will be celebrating it in a new segment I like to call... "Why haven't they made this yet?"

Our first dip into the pool of unoriginality is with a video game adaptation that has been rumored for years, but has never come to fruition. That's right...



Title: Metroid.

Type: Video Game Adaptation.

History: Metroid first came about with the old NES in 1986. The game showcased a metal-clad superhero of sorts who was held on to life by a parasitic metroid. This fighter's name is Samus Aran, and as Samus, gamers fought Space Pirates, metroid aliens, and the big bad: Mother Brain. But the story really took all gamers by surprise as, at the very end of the game, it is revealed that Samus Aran... is a sexy blonde woman! Le gasp! The game has spawned numerous sequels since.

Back in 2003, John Woo picked up the rights to the film, but it inevitibly found itself in pre-production hell, never ending up on the silver screen. There was also an April Fools joke in 2005 which stated that Uwe Boll would be making the film with Michelle Rodriguez as Samus. Thank God it was a joke.

Film Possibilities

Genre: Of course there's the Sci-Fi aspect to it. But what kind of Sci-Fi are we looking for? Action/Adventure? Or is it more horror a la Alien? Considering Alien was obviously at least somewhat an inspiration for the game, as the game is more atmospheric than action, the overall best route to go would be this way. Knowing Hollywood, they'd probably make it more of an action movie along the lines of Doom, though. But for a good film? I'd personally say find a good balance between atmospheric horror and action.

Why This Movie Could Work: Iron Man. Pure and simple. Have you looked at Samus' suit? It's basically a clunkier Iron Man suit, though even the later games slimmed it down. And with the success that was Iron Man, there's no doubt in my mind that this movie has the potential, as well.

Story: The original idea that John Woo had wasn't a bad one: an origin story. There would probably be a team added to the story. If not with Samus, then at the military base. Or they might do a separate mission so that the film bounces back and forth between Samus and her team (Samus doing the more dangerous work). Of course a movie wouldn't be able to keep the female lead thing a secret. First, anybody knowledgable of the game would know anyway. Second, there's no way a production company would make a film without listing its star. Well, they could... but it would take somebody like J.J. Abrams and a great viral campaign to pull it off. That being said...

Director: Who could possibly pull off such a feat? Obviously Uwe Boll should stay far away, and John Woo probably would make it into a senseless action flick. It's Sci-Fi with a strong female lead, so Joss Whedon comes to mind. However, Metroid isn't known for its sharp, witty dialogue and ensemble performances, so I don't think Joss would be the best choice. Honestly, I probably would go with J.J. Abrams. He's a hot name of the day, especially after Star Trek. He's known for directing strong, action-oriented women (Alias). And he's a master of the viral campaign (Cloverfield). I think if anybody could pull off the atmosphere and thrill of a Metroid movie while keeping things tightly under wraps (especially if he wanted to keep Samus' gender a secret from the mass audience), it would be J.J. Abrams. And with a hit Sci-Fi film under his belt, he'd probably have a big turnout.

Cast: There's really only one cast member to worry about: Samus. They could always get a relative unknown, but what fun would that make this? So the first to pop into my mind, especially if they want somebody known, but not too known, is Kristanna Loken. She's a sexy blonde that's proven her action skills in such fare as the Mortal Kombat TV show, Terminator 3, and Uwe Boll's BloodRayne. So what's keeping her from being my choice? She was in the Mortal Kombat TV show, Terminator 3, and Uwe Boll's BloodRayne.

Next on the list? Charlize Theron. She's a stunning beauty. She's got the acting chops. She's shown she can do some action with the live-action adaptation of Aeon Flux, as well as the superhero flick Hancock. What counts against her? Like Miss Loken, she's shown us her action abilities in films like Aeon Flux and Hancock.

So who could take the reigns of the blonde beauty badass? To me, the choice is mostly simple. What blonde has shown us time and again that she can do action, and even look awesome while doing it? I hate to make the reference considering recent events, but it just kinda happened that way... Kill Bill's Uma Thurman. They even look alike.


That's really about it. Thoughts?