FAST FIVE.

I've been following the Fast and the Furious series since the first one in theater. While the sequels have been more subpar, the action has always been a lot of fun. So there was little expectation that the fifth in the series would be any better. Funnily enough, this newest installment is actually probably the best in the whole series.

Picking up right after the end of the fourth installment, but before Tokyo Drift, Fast Five has Brian (Paul Walker) and Mia (Jordana Brewster) busting Dom (Vin Diesel) out of his prisoner transit bus. They end up in Rio and old friend Vince (Matt Schulze) talks them into doing a job for a bit of cash. Unfortunately, this puts them in a bad position with a criminal kingpin who runs Rio by the name of Reyes (Joaquim de Almeida). They know they need to quit the business and drop from the radar, but they need one last job to pull it off: stealing 100 million dollars from Reyes, which in and of itself is a near impossible task. And to top it all off, they have who is essentially a Black Ops guy named Hobbs (Dwayne Johnson) and a local cop, Elena (Elsa Pataky), after them to bring them in after they're accused of killing government agents. To help pull off the job, they bring in some old friends: Roman (Tyrese Gibson), Tej (Chris 'Ludacris' Bridges), Han (Sung Kang), Gisele (Gal Gadot), Leo (Tego Calderon), and Santos (Don Omar).

The best way to describe the film is like The Fast and the Furious meets Ocean's 11. This is an over-the-top heist film through and through, with a bit of the added car flavor that the F&F films have always delivered. Of course you need previous knowledge of the films to have any idea who these people are and how they're connected (Hell, I've seen all the films and even I couldn't remember a few of them). Though there are some where the previous relationships aren't important--such as the characters I couldn't remember (Gisele, Leo, and Santos; for the record, Gisele and Leo are in the 4th film, which I only saw once, and Santos is actually a new character, which would explain me not remembering him). But if you haven't seen the previous films, there's a lot that's going to go over your head.

Anyway, the action is fantastic. Of course it is completely over-the-top and unrealistic, but they at least attempt to do it in as realistic a way as possible--an issue I had with the 4th film where there was some CGI because it was so unrealistic. In fact, the only issue I had in the movie with the action was the only issue I knew I'd have based on the trailer. When the car flies off the cliff and Brian and Dom jump from it as it falls toward the water--there's no way you can survive that fall, at least not completely unscathed. Otherwise, everything was fine. By the time we reached the end of the film, I had completely shut my brain off and wasn't bothered by the fact that 1 or 2 cars were able to pull a 10-ton safe (or something like that). And the big fight between Vin Diesel and The Rock? How awesome was that!

The heist aspect is a lot of fun. Just like the Ocean's films, we're given an ensemble where each person has their own job to do. Granted, by the time we reach the actual heist, some things have been rendered completely moot, but everybody still essentially has a job to do. Leo and Santos give us a lot of good comedy, though they aren't the only ones. Still, the film does have a bit of a tonal shift once the team joins in about halfway through. The first hour or so is a bit serious and gritty; however, once they get the heist idea and bring in the team, things become a bit lighter and more fun.

Currently, I only own the first film of the series. The second is OK, but it's the only on that doesn't include Vin Diesel (if you count the Tokyo Drift cameo), so it loses a bit due to that. Tokyo Drift isn't awful, but it's not much better than eh. I was pretty hyped right after seeing Fast & Furious, but after I let it sink in and thought about it more, the more I realized I didn't care for it all that much. It had a lot of action and I was hyped from seeing the original cast return, but outside that, it was pretty rough around the edges. So I allowed Fast Five to sink in for a couple days before writing the review... and I still maintain that it is one of--if not the--best of the series.


Royale With Cheese

(P.S. Yes, I really dug it that much. It's the heist factor--what can I say? It's not perfect, but it's a ton of fun. Anyway, stay tuned after the credits begin. There's an extra scene about halfway in that gives you quite a cool twist for those who have been following the series.)

LEGION.

I've been pretty psyched for Legion for a while. I just knew that, at the very least, it'd be a fun romp into the realm of cheesy B-horror. And what I got was... well... Michael (Paul Bettany) decides to come down to Earth and shed his wings to help the humans. But no, not just any humans. The most important of the humans: a pregnant girl named Charlie (Adrianne Palicki) who lives with a mechanic named Jeep (Lucas Black) and his diner-owning father, Bob (Dennis Quaid). Also 'round these parts is the cook, Percy (Charles S. Dutton); a lost traveler, Kyle (Tyrese Gibson); a father (Jon Tenney), mother (Kate Walsh), and their semi-slutty daughter, Audrey (Willa Holland). Of course, as we learn from the trailer, Charlie's unborn baby is going to save humanity... they just have to stay alive from the legion of angels that are bringing on the apocalypse by killing humanity and trying to get to Charlie. But what exactly is the baby going to do to save humanity? Why do the angels come off more as demons? What did he mean that the angels aren't necessarily the good guys? If God truly wanted to wipe humanity out completely, couldn't He have just thought it into happening or something? Why do the possessed dudes just kinda stand there near the end? Why is one specific character allowed to live so long if said character is just going to die a meaningless and unseen, off-screen death near the end of the movie? What's written in that angelic message? Who (and/or what) the fuck are the prophets? And did anybody else picture Jay and Silent Bob hopping over one of the cars with hockey sticks at that point? Stay tuned, because all of these questions (and more!) are never even remotely discussed, much less answered, in Legion!

At least the first 20 or so minutes of the movie feels like a running joke of "I'm trying waaay too hard." From the burning-cross hole in the side of the building to playing It's A Wonderful Life on the TV in the diner (which is named Paradise Falls, somewhere outside L.A., the "City of Angels," as it were). And so many other things in between. The rest of the movie plays like an ultimate collection of cliches, from character actions to the cheesy one-liner.

I know this has mostly felt like a negative review, but there is some positive. Paul Bettany and Kevin Durand are wonderful in their respective roles (albeit Kevin Durand having way too little screen time prior to the climax of the movie). And Willa Holland is hot (and she is 18, so I can say that). There is some pretty decent comedy, too. There's also some good action--mostly once Kevin Durand comes into the picture, because before that, it's mostly just an endless stream of bullets. And it's always nice to see Doug Jones, although his Ice Cream Man role (which is a good chunk of the trailers) is pretty much just what you see in the trailers. He's on screen for maybe a minute tops.

There's also some good camera angles and cinematography. Despite having a shaky script, there actually was some good direction. It kept the movie fresh, and the visuals (in those respects) certainly weren't boring. The CGI was a bit dodgy in places, but there wasn't much of it, so that's good.

But I'd say the movie's biggest downfall is its script. Besides the aforementioned issues with almost nothing being explained, there's some iffy dialogue, as well as a feel that they tried to flesh out every character, but never could quite make it past the surface with each. There's also a "twist" at one point that... well... shouldn't really be a twist. It's treated as one, but when you hear it (and when the characters are reacting all 'wtf mate'), all I'm thinking is "yeah... OK, didn't we already know this? I mean, he never said it directly, but taking what he did tell us, I'm pretty sure you could figure it out by association. Literally." Their reactions were just a bit too... nonsensical for the timing. Or something like that.

Anywho, I didn't hate the movie. I just didn't particularly love it. It'd be a good one for a rifftrax of some sort, I'm sure. I suppose I'm just easily entertained and not easily perturbed as others are. The little things usually don't bother me, and it takes a lot for a movie to get one of my lower scores. If there's any semblance of entertainment (and, again, easily happens to me), it gets some points. So... yeah.


Stop Saying Okay! Okay.

(P.S. Why, if they lived in California, did Mr. Tokyo Drift have a southern accent... and why didn't his father?)