MACHETE.

We all know the story. Robert Rodriguez made the fake Machete trailer for Grindhouse, it because a cult sensation, and he eventually decided to turn it into a full-length feature. This is that feature. But did it live up to expectations? Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican Federale whose family is killed by a drug lord named Torrez (Steven Seagal). He survives, but enters the U.S. illegally. Eventually, he is hired by Booth (Jeff Fahey) to assassinate Senator McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro), who is rerunning for office under the platform of sending all illegal immigrants back to Mexico and building a giant fence. Unfortunately, it was just a ruse, and they try to set up and kill Machete for their own gain. Again, Machete lives, but this time, he's out for vengeance. Along the way, he teams up with a taco stand/revolutionary named Luz (Michelle Rodriguez); a federal immigration agent named Sartana (Jessica Alba); and his priest brother, Padr (Cheech Marin). Also in the mix are Booth's wife June (Alicia Marek) and daughter April (Lindsey Lohan), as well as a professional hit man named Osiris (Tom Savini).

This movie is almost too complicated, which I think is one of its biggest issues. It tries to do too much. Sure, it has one hell of a cast, but it sometimes feels bloated. It also tends to be almost too preachy at times, particularly in the first half of the movie. Also, though this was rare, it took itself a bit too seriously at times. These were almost always moments of non-action, though... and, again, mostly in the first half of the film.

Besides that, my only other complaint is that sometimes there wasn't enough action. Either there would be long stretches with no major action, or there would be an action scene where it was filmed at awkward angles and you didn't get to see it particularly well (the showdown between Trejo and Seagal is the worst offender of this).

However, the action you do get and do see is flippin' fantastic. Let's just say there was a lot of cheering, clapping, and laughing throughout this movie in my audience. It's hilarious, bloody, over-the-top, and super fun. You could tell the filmmakers had fun with it. Of note are the opening scene and the hospital escape scene.

There's a decent amount of nudity in the film, as well. And while I think that too much nudity in a movie can ruin it, I actually think this movie could have benefited from having a little more. Unfortunately (for you guys and/or lesbians out there), you don't see Jessica Alba nude. She has a shower sequence, but she's standing in just the right position where you see absolutely nothing. And the one time you see Lindsey Lohan's character topless, I don't think it's actually her, as her face is always hidden... and every time you do see her face clearly, her breasts are always covered somehow. And I find this strange, considering she's done nude photo-shoots and whatnot. But anyway...

I know this seems like a lot of complaining, but the movie was really entertaining. It wasn't perfect, but all the fake trailer scenes (from my knowledge) are in the film. If they would have shortened it slightly or exchanged some of the unnecessary dramatic scenes for more exploitation scenes, it would have been even better. As it stands, it's a great action flick with some really fun comedy and lots of blood and boobs.


A Keanu 'Whoa'