Top 5 Favorite B-Movie One-Liners.

A while back, I did a bunch of "in the honor of" Top 5/10 lists, honoring fellow bloggers. Well, I'd been trying to think of a good one for my good buddy Jason Soto. And I think I finally have. As all of you might know, Jason likes his b-movies. And if you watch those types of films, you know they can be chock full of memorable one-liners. So I'm going to be giving my Top 5 Favorite B-Movie One-Liners. And yes, The Room is automatically disqualified since almost every line would be on here. Sorry.

Top 5 Favorite B-Movie One-Liners

5. "Science is never wrong."
Movie: Absolute Zero
Character/Actor: David (Jeff Fahey)
Info: I put this at number 5 only because it's more of an inside joke than anything. I get together with friends almost every weekend for "disaster movie night." There are a ton of running jokes we use throughout our MST3K-ing of all the movies, usually stemming from earlier films. One of them is "science is never wrong" as stated by Jeff Fahey in this wonderfully awful film. It's pretty much the go-to line to explain anything that doesn't make any logical sense in a bad disaster flick.
Video: N/A


4. "Broke in to the wrong God damn rec room, didn't ya, you bastard!"
Movie: Tremors
Character/Actor: Burt Gummer (Michael Gross)
Info: Tremors is a childhood favorite, and Burt Gummer is one of the greatest b-movie characters ever created. There are plenty of lines I could have chosen for him, though they would have been from its less successful sequel, and I wanted to go ahead and put one from the original. How can you not love Burt? Ready for any obstacle...
Video:



3. "What do you say I... take you home and eat your pussy?"
Movie: Shark Attack 3
Character/Actor: Ben Carpenter (John Barrowman)
Info: This is the only film on the list I haven't seen, but the line is so infamous I couldn't leave it off. It sounds strange enough just out of context. But when you watch the following clip and realize how out-of-context it really is even in the film, it becomes even stranger. From what I've heard, it was just an ad-lib/outtake that the director liked so much he just kept it in.
Video: Click here.


2. "I've come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass... and I'm all out of bubblegum."
Movie: They Live!
Character/Actor: George Nada (Roddy Piper)
Info: It's been years since I've seen this one, and I really need to see it again. But this is one of my favorite lines. It's so cheesy awesome that I wish I had thought of it myself. There's not much else to say.
Video:



1. "I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane!"
Movie: Snakes on a Plane
Character/Actor: Neville Flynn (Samuel L. Jackson)
Info: What else was it going to be? Really? This is one of the most famous lines of the last decade. They changed this movie's rating to an R simply to include this line, as the movie could not exist without it. And because they changed it to an R, they just went ahead and added a bunch more violence and nudity, adding to the movie's cheesy awesomeness.
Video:

MACHETE.

We all know the story. Robert Rodriguez made the fake Machete trailer for Grindhouse, it because a cult sensation, and he eventually decided to turn it into a full-length feature. This is that feature. But did it live up to expectations? Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican Federale whose family is killed by a drug lord named Torrez (Steven Seagal). He survives, but enters the U.S. illegally. Eventually, he is hired by Booth (Jeff Fahey) to assassinate Senator McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro), who is rerunning for office under the platform of sending all illegal immigrants back to Mexico and building a giant fence. Unfortunately, it was just a ruse, and they try to set up and kill Machete for their own gain. Again, Machete lives, but this time, he's out for vengeance. Along the way, he teams up with a taco stand/revolutionary named Luz (Michelle Rodriguez); a federal immigration agent named Sartana (Jessica Alba); and his priest brother, Padr (Cheech Marin). Also in the mix are Booth's wife June (Alicia Marek) and daughter April (Lindsey Lohan), as well as a professional hit man named Osiris (Tom Savini).

This movie is almost too complicated, which I think is one of its biggest issues. It tries to do too much. Sure, it has one hell of a cast, but it sometimes feels bloated. It also tends to be almost too preachy at times, particularly in the first half of the movie. Also, though this was rare, it took itself a bit too seriously at times. These were almost always moments of non-action, though... and, again, mostly in the first half of the film.

Besides that, my only other complaint is that sometimes there wasn't enough action. Either there would be long stretches with no major action, or there would be an action scene where it was filmed at awkward angles and you didn't get to see it particularly well (the showdown between Trejo and Seagal is the worst offender of this).

However, the action you do get and do see is flippin' fantastic. Let's just say there was a lot of cheering, clapping, and laughing throughout this movie in my audience. It's hilarious, bloody, over-the-top, and super fun. You could tell the filmmakers had fun with it. Of note are the opening scene and the hospital escape scene.

There's a decent amount of nudity in the film, as well. And while I think that too much nudity in a movie can ruin it, I actually think this movie could have benefited from having a little more. Unfortunately (for you guys and/or lesbians out there), you don't see Jessica Alba nude. She has a shower sequence, but she's standing in just the right position where you see absolutely nothing. And the one time you see Lindsey Lohan's character topless, I don't think it's actually her, as her face is always hidden... and every time you do see her face clearly, her breasts are always covered somehow. And I find this strange, considering she's done nude photo-shoots and whatnot. But anyway...

I know this seems like a lot of complaining, but the movie was really entertaining. It wasn't perfect, but all the fake trailer scenes (from my knowledge) are in the film. If they would have shortened it slightly or exchanged some of the unnecessary dramatic scenes for more exploitation scenes, it would have been even better. As it stands, it's a great action flick with some really fun comedy and lots of blood and boobs.


A Keanu 'Whoa'