DRIVE ANGRY 3D.

I actually didn't know much going into this movie. I'd hardly even seen the trailer (and didn't remember much of what I'd seen). All I knew was that there was action, it had Nic Cage, and apparently something about escaping Hell. But boy, is there so much more. While I might spoil this more for y'all since it's more than I knew going in, I'm gonna go ahead and give you the plot--though not much more than what is given on imdb. The plot is about John Milton (Nicolas Cage), a man who escapes Hell to exact revenge on Jonah King (Billy Burke). Jonah is in charge of a Satanic Cult and just so happened to kill Milton's daughter and kidnap his baby granddaughter so that, by midnight on the next full moon, Jonah can sacrifice the baby and bring Hell on Earth. Along for the ride is Piper (Amber Heard), a waitress who Milton "befriends" and uses her car. They aren't alone, however. Chasing after Milton is a man known only as The Accountant (William Fichtner), wanting to collect him and bring him back.

This is hands down the most fun I've had at the theater so far this year. Granted, I haven't gone a ton yet this year, and they were for 2010 Oscar films. So this is technically the first 2011 film I've seen. And I sure hope the rest of the films I see this year are this fun. The movie is basically like mixing Constantine with Death Proof. It's sex, violence, absurdity, humor, and a bit of supernatural sprinkled on top.

One of the things I really enjoyed was that there's really not that scene where they sit Piper down and explain things. We're not given the boring 5-minute exposition moment. Instead, they give us the story through dialogue throughout the movie, and we piece everything together through what we're given (and we aren't given everything--just enough that matters). So those who wrote the script did a nice job with that. And speaking of, the dialogue had a lot of fun moments, too. But the dialogue was made even better by the actors.

Nic Cage doesn't go batty in the movie. He keeps it calm and collected, but it turns him into quite the badass in the process. Though, strangely, a lot of his comedy comes from the fact that he's not hamming it up. For instance, I think a certain scene in a motel room near the end of the first act would have lost something had he gone crazy with it. Then we have Amber Heard, who is awesome. She's no damsel in distress. She's there to kick ass and chew bubble gum, and she's all out of bubble gum. Not to mention she's damn sexy. Billy Burke is fun as Jonah, and he takes the role of ham in the movie. He doesn't go to Cage levels, but he definitely has his moments. But there are two people who steal the show. The first I want to mention is Tom Atkins as the police captain, and he does take it to some Cage levels at times. He's crazy and over-the-top, and he has a handful of fun lines. But the best of the film, hands down, is William Fichtner as The Accountant. He's funny, smooth, and completely enthralling. I want to know more about his character. There's a chunk of the movie where you don't see him for a while, and I really missed him. He was definitely one of my favorite parts of the film.

But then there's the action and violence, which is insane. Some of it is brutal; most of it is done with a (dark) comedic undertone, though. Cars and guns and baseball bats and garden tools and all sorts of things are used in this movie. And believe it or not, the 3D is actually very good. I'd recommend seeing it in 3D, as there are a lot of gags that were made for it.

Leave the kids at home, though. This is a pretty strong R. There's sex, (full frontal) nudity, language, extreme violence... basically everything you'd expect in an exploitation/grindhouse movie, which this basically is (and so much better than Machete and Death Proof). I'm just gonna stop rambling about it. It's a highly entertaining flick that, if you're a fan of this type of movie, I'd definitely recommend checking out. And to end with some cheese: It was one Hell of a ride that definitely left me happy (yeah... THREE puns).


Royale With Cheese

SAW VII 3D.

WARNING: Here be potential spoilers for all previous films in the series.

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October 29, 2004. Roughly 9 PM. I sit down on opening night to watch a low-budget horror film called Saw. I have no expectations except that I think it has a fun concept. It's entertaining, but totally predictable. It's now 5 minutes before the movie ends. Jigsaw stands up. My jaw drops. I sit and stare at the credits rolling, dumbfounded.

October 29, 2010. Roughly 4:30 PM. I sit down on opening day to watch a comparatively low-budget horror film called Saw 3D. It's the seventh in the series--and the last. I have seen every other one on opening day, and I wasn't going to stop that trend on the final film (of, at least, this particular chronology). It's entertaining, but totally predictable. It's now 5 minutes before the movie ends. We get our "Hello Zepp." The twist happens. The movie ends. I leave with a huge smile on my face. Why?

This is the Saw movie the loyal fans have been waiting for.

The story picks up where the--believe it or not--first movie left off. If you don't know already what happens next, you probably aren't a fan of the series. Let's just say it involves Dr. Gordon (Cary Elwes). Then we get our first-ever outside, live-audience trap. It's mostly irrelevant to the overall movie. Finally, we continue where Saw VI left off, which shows Jill (Betsy Russell) putting Hoffman (Costas Mandylor) in the Reverse Beartrap and him escaping it. Jill hides and runs to the police, specifically Officer Gibson (Chad Donella), who has a past with Hoffman. Hoffman sets up a semi-game to have Gibson hand over Jill to him in order to stop the main game that is going on. The main game revolves around Bobby (Sean Patrick Flanery), who has gained fame by coming out as a Jigsaw Survivor and leading self-help groups for other survivors. However, as you can probably figure out from the first scene you see him in, he's lying... and he's put in his very own game of survival. Similar to Saws III and VI, he's given the option of saving somebody he knows, but at his own personal pain and loss. What's his goal? To save his wife (Gina Holden), who is chained up at the end of his journey.

There are kinda two and a half story lines going on in this movie. The main one is Bobby's game, but then there's Jill trying to stay protected from Hoffman. Somewhat connected to this is Gibson trying to hunt down Hoffman, as well as figure out a mystery behind the latest "trap" disaster. The story is easily the film's weakest point. Especially in its first 20 or so minutes, it's very jumbled and unfocused. It's trying to do way too much. It wants to stand alone as its own entity, but it can't, because it has a bunch of things to tie up (being the final installment). Bobby's story is good, albeit highly predictable with a hint of "I've seen this before." And you have. As I already said, a guy having to go through a building and save/kill people depending on his own personal strength and/or willpower has already been done twice, both (interestingly) at the end of their respective trilogies. Jill's mini-story and Gibson's story could have been better had it not been for their respective actors' over-acting.

Betsy Russell just screams and freaks out most of the time, while Chad Donella tries as hard as he can to taste that scenery. Besides them, though, everybody else is pretty average (for this series). Really, that's all I've got on the acting. If you've made it this far into the Saw series, it's most likely you're not looking for Oscar Gold.

What you really want to hear about are the traps. Oh man, there are some good ones. The "outside" trap at the beginning is cool (and actually darkly comic by the end of the scene). Unfortunately, this scene bares almost no purpose for the rest of the movie. It's referenced one other time (possibly two, if you can infer something later, but there's no proof). Other highlights are the "car" trap and the "throat" trap (which actually made me cringe). The others are really good, too, but I don't wanna spoil it by getting into them all. I don't really think I was disappointed by any of the traps in the movie. They were all relatively bloody and creative, which is all any Saw fan can ask for. They also tied nicely in with the sins of those in them (and had nothing to do with Jigsaw's personal history), something the last few films have been lacking.

Speaking of anything a Saw fan can ask for, the one thing that keeps bringing fans back is the continuity. Say what you will about the bloodiness of the films, but the continuity of this series is freakin' genius. All the backstory and inter-connectedness is so good. However, I can't talk about the rest without getting into spoiler territory, so I'm gonna put up some tags now.

SPOILER ALERT (FOR THE ENDING)



Dr. Gordon's return has been pretty much the biggest fan request since the first two films. What really sparked the Gordon theorists (myself included) was the limping figure who surgically implanted a key behind that one guy's eye at the beginning of Saw II. And it just escalated from there. I always said that the only way this series could end--and a lot of fans agree--was with Dr. Gordon coming back, showing himself as having helped John Kramer, giving us flashbacks to all the other films of how he did so, and ending back at the bathroom. And you know what? That's exactly what we got. If you're a major Saw fan like me, this ending wasn't a twist. It was fan service. And I loved it. It made the rest of the film even better simply for having that ending. Also, we finally get to see the Reverse Beartrap in action. How awesome is that?



SPOILERS DONE


The only other thing I wanna talk about is the story theme. Every one of the films after the first has had a main theme. The second was (arguably) patience. The third was forgiveness. The fourth was trust. The fifth was truth... or teamwork... or something. The sixth was choices. So what was the seventh? I think it's humility. But like the sixth, there was a strong message to go along with it. The sixth's played on the healthcare system. This one played on the recent rise in popularity in fake celebrities. For instance, the dude who wrote the fake memoir and had Oprah pimp it on her show as truth... or balloon boy... or anybody who has used tragedy as a stage for fame and popularity. And then, to take it even further, the American fascination with granting them that popularity (which is really all that "outside" trap was about).

Overall, it was an adequate film. Was it the best in the series? No. That'll always be the first one. But was it the worst? No... I don't think it even came close. It's somewhere in the middle. However, that being said, while the overall film might not be totally strong, the ending is definitely one of the best. So in summation... iffy story, strong traps, great ending... to both the movie and the series as a whole.


A Keanu 'Whoa'

(P.S. I refuse to call it purely Saw 3D, hence the VII in the title. It won't be 3D on DVD, and Saw 2D is just stupid... so they'll have to change it to Saw VII.)