Why Haven't They Made This Yet? #1

Do you know what I find even more annoying than the constant wave of remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations? People complaining about remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations. Seriously, all I ever hear these days is 'waah, why aren't there any fresh ideas? Everything is [see above] nowadays!' And frankly, I'm getting really tired of it. So instead of joining the ranks, I'm going to embrace all said types of film, and I will be celebrating it in a new segment I like to call... "Why haven't they made this yet?"

Our first dip into the pool of unoriginality is with a video game adaptation that has been rumored for years, but has never come to fruition. That's right...

Title: Metroid.

Type: Video Game Adaptation.

History: Metroid first came about with the old NES in 1986. The game showcased a metal-clad superhero of sorts who was held on to life by a parasitic metroid. This fighter's name is Samus Aran, and as Samus, gamers fought Space Pirates, metroid aliens, and the big bad: Mother Brain. But the story really took all gamers by surprise as, at the very end of the game, it is revealed that Samus Aran... is a sexy blonde woman! Le gasp! The game has spawned numerous sequels since.

Back in 2003, John Woo picked up the rights to the film, but it inevitibly found itself in pre-production hell, never ending up on the silver screen. There was also an April Fools joke in 2005 which stated that Uwe Boll would be making the film with Michelle Rodriguez as Samus. Thank God it was a joke.

Film Possibilities

Of course there's the Sci-Fi aspect to it. But what kind of Sci-Fi are we looking for? Action/Adventure? Or is it more horror a la Alien? Considering Alien was obviously at least somewhat an inspiration for the game, as the game is more atmospheric than action, the overall best route to go would be this way. Knowing Hollywood, they'd probably make it more of an action movie along the lines of Doom, though. But for a good film? I'd personally say find a good balance between atmospheric horror and action.

Why This Movie Could Work: Iron Man. Pure and simple. Have you looked at Samus' suit? It's basically a clunkier Iron Man suit, though even the later games slimmed it down. And with the success that was Iron Man, there's no doubt in my mind that this movie has the potential, as well.

Story: The original idea that John Woo had wasn't a bad one: an origin story. There would probably be a team added to the story. If not with Samus, then at the military base. Or they might do a separate mission so that the film bounces back and forth between Samus and her team (Samus doing the more dangerous work). Of course a movie wouldn't be able to keep the female lead thing a secret. First, anybody knowledgable of the game would know anyway. Second, there's no way a production company would make a film without listing its star. Well, they could... but it would take somebody like J.J. Abrams and a great viral campaign to pull it off. That being said...

Director: Who could possibly pull off such a feat? Obviously Uwe Boll should stay far away, and John Woo probably would make it into a senseless action flick. It's Sci-Fi with a strong female lead, so Joss Whedon comes to mind. However, Metroid isn't known for its sharp, witty dialogue and ensemble performances, so I don't think Joss would be the best choice. Honestly, I probably would go with J.J. Abrams. He's a hot name of the day, especially after Star Trek. He's known for directing strong, action-oriented women (Alias). And he's a master of the viral campaign (Cloverfield). I think if anybody could pull off the atmosphere and thrill of a Metroid movie while keeping things tightly under wraps (especially if he wanted to keep Samus' gender a secret from the mass audience), it would be J.J. Abrams. And with a hit Sci-Fi film under his belt, he'd probably have a big turnout.

Cast: There's really only one cast member to worry about: Samus. They could always get a relative unknown, but what fun would that make this? So the first to pop into my mind, especially if they want somebody known, but not too known, is Kristanna Loken. She's a sexy blonde that's proven her action skills in such fare as the Mortal Kombat TV show, Terminator 3, and Uwe Boll's BloodRayne. So what's keeping her from being my choice? She was in the Mortal Kombat TV show, Terminator 3, and Uwe Boll's BloodRayne.

Next on the list? Charlize Theron. She's a stunning beauty. She's got the acting chops. She's shown she can do some action with the live-action adaptation of Aeon Flux, as well as the superhero flick Hancock. What counts against her? Like Miss Loken, she's shown us her action abilities in films like Aeon Flux and Hancock.

So who could take the reigns of the blonde beauty badass? To me, the choice is mostly simple. What blonde has shown us time and again that she can do action, and even look awesome while doing it? I hate to make the reference considering recent events, but it just kinda happened that way... Kill Bill's Uma Thurman. They even look alike.

That's really about it. Thoughts?


  1. I love this theme. I don't know Metroid so I can't comment on whether it should be made or not, but I love your convincing arguments for it.

  2. Jess: Glad you like it. I was pretty excited when I came up with the idea. It really hit me when I was reading yet another article that had a movie blogger bitching about the constant flow of remakes/sequels, etc. I just wanted to be like "get over it already!" So these are like my response to those kind of posts.

    I have a whole list of things for this new article theme, too, so there will be plenty more in the future.

  3. Like Jess, I don't even give a hoot about Metroid, but I love this post from you and am looking forward to more.

    Though I won't go so far as to say that I'm embracing remakes/sequels et al, I too am sick of hearing people bitch about them, for a few reasons. Big one - people like them, otherwise they wouldn't keep going to the movies and paying to see them. All Hollywood does is give up what we want; if we decide we don't want something anymore, they'll stop giving it to us. Simple as that.

    Second, the words "good film" (or great film) and "sequel" or "remake" are not mutually exclusive, just as original content does not guarantee quality. So stop acting like all seqs/remakes are crap and vice versa. Heard of a little flick called The Dark Knight, anyone?

    My knowledge of Metroid is limited to playing the first one on the NES. I enjoyed the hell out of that game, though right now I can't recall much beyond a) it had cool music, b) I loved it when I could more or less "float" back down to the ground and c) it was a hard-ass game.

    Never played any sequels or got into the story. I could go for playing the original game again, though...

  4. Fletch: I'm glad people are loving this as much as I am.

    I figured not many people would give a hoot about Metroid, but I wanted to start with something a little more minor rather than something that's going to make people go "Oh God, kill us all now." (And I have one of those planned sometime in the future. Hint: It's both a remake/reboot AND an adaptation, depending on how you look at it).

    But yeah, if sequels et al. weren't good and/or doing well, they wouldn't be getting made. And as you said, just because something is original doesn't mean it's good.


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