MACHETE.

We all know the story. Robert Rodriguez made the fake Machete trailer for Grindhouse, it because a cult sensation, and he eventually decided to turn it into a full-length feature. This is that feature. But did it live up to expectations? Machete (Danny Trejo) is a Mexican Federale whose family is killed by a drug lord named Torrez (Steven Seagal). He survives, but enters the U.S. illegally. Eventually, he is hired by Booth (Jeff Fahey) to assassinate Senator McLaughlin (Robert DeNiro), who is rerunning for office under the platform of sending all illegal immigrants back to Mexico and building a giant fence. Unfortunately, it was just a ruse, and they try to set up and kill Machete for their own gain. Again, Machete lives, but this time, he's out for vengeance. Along the way, he teams up with a taco stand/revolutionary named Luz (Michelle Rodriguez); a federal immigration agent named Sartana (Jessica Alba); and his priest brother, Padr (Cheech Marin). Also in the mix are Booth's wife June (Alicia Marek) and daughter April (Lindsey Lohan), as well as a professional hit man named Osiris (Tom Savini).

This movie is almost too complicated, which I think is one of its biggest issues. It tries to do too much. Sure, it has one hell of a cast, but it sometimes feels bloated. It also tends to be almost too preachy at times, particularly in the first half of the movie. Also, though this was rare, it took itself a bit too seriously at times. These were almost always moments of non-action, though... and, again, mostly in the first half of the film.

Besides that, my only other complaint is that sometimes there wasn't enough action. Either there would be long stretches with no major action, or there would be an action scene where it was filmed at awkward angles and you didn't get to see it particularly well (the showdown between Trejo and Seagal is the worst offender of this).

However, the action you do get and do see is flippin' fantastic. Let's just say there was a lot of cheering, clapping, and laughing throughout this movie in my audience. It's hilarious, bloody, over-the-top, and super fun. You could tell the filmmakers had fun with it. Of note are the opening scene and the hospital escape scene.

There's a decent amount of nudity in the film, as well. And while I think that too much nudity in a movie can ruin it, I actually think this movie could have benefited from having a little more. Unfortunately (for you guys and/or lesbians out there), you don't see Jessica Alba nude. She has a shower sequence, but she's standing in just the right position where you see absolutely nothing. And the one time you see Lindsey Lohan's character topless, I don't think it's actually her, as her face is always hidden... and every time you do see her face clearly, her breasts are always covered somehow. And I find this strange, considering she's done nude photo-shoots and whatnot. But anyway...

I know this seems like a lot of complaining, but the movie was really entertaining. It wasn't perfect, but all the fake trailer scenes (from my knowledge) are in the film. If they would have shortened it slightly or exchanged some of the unnecessary dramatic scenes for more exploitation scenes, it would have been even better. As it stands, it's a great action flick with some really fun comedy and lots of blood and boobs.


A Keanu 'Whoa'

Bizarre Noir #4: Sin City.

Welcome to the fourth of seven posts that will review bizarre noir movies! I hope you enjoy the series. For more information or previous entries, check the posts below this one.

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Sin City.

Year of Origin: 2005.

Director: Robert Rodriguez, Frank Miller, and Quentin Tarantino (for one scene).

Why it's bizarre: The comic book look and multiple stories.

Sin City is more of an art form than a movie. With a huge cast, Sin City explodes with star power in three (and a half) different stories. The first snip starts with The Man (Josh Hartnett), an assassin-for-hire. After the short scene, it continues on to Hartigan (Bruce Willis), a cop that is trying to save young Nancy from Roark Jr. (Nick Stahl). Then we have the criminal Marv (Mickey Rourke). After Goldie (Jaime King) is murdered by silent assassin Kevin (Elijah Wood), Marv travels around town trying to figure out who killed Goldie and why. Then we have Dwight (Clive Owen), a criminal with a new face, who sets out to get revenge on lady friend Shellie’s (Brittney Murphy) ex-boyfriend, Jackie Boy (Benicio Del Toro). But he ends up in a tougher situation than originally planned. Then it goes back to Hartigan again, after getting out of jail. He goes to find grown Nancy (Jessica Alba), the only person who had kept him sane and alive through his years in prison. But, unfortunately, a Yellow Bastard (Nick Stahl) has his own secret agenda. And there’s a whole bunch of other people in the movie, too.

As far as noirs go, this movie has it all. It has the shadowy and unique camera shots (in more ways than one). It has the voice-over narration. It has all the mystery and murder and sexuality you could expect. The star-power really shines, as the movie is really well acted for what it is.

The most obvious comment for the movie is its visual style. It is very comic book, and very original for a movie (only to be redone for the later 300, though to a slightly lesser degree). It was stunning to watch the first time, and it’s still fun to watch now. There really isn’t much more to say about it than that.

The only downfall to the movie is that it’s choppy and incoherent. What I mean to say is that, with the exception of Josh Hartnett’s character and story, none of the stories intersect in any meaningful way. And I understand that each segment was based on a different comic, but they could have connected them all together somehow. They even had a good opportunity to change it all up a little bit, assuming that’s not how it was in the comics (I haven’t read them). But Marv’s story and Dwight’s story could have easily been connected plot-wise due to the prostitutes. And Hartigan’s story and Dwight’s story could have easily been connected plot-wise due to the Roarks. But they weren’t… so, really, it was kinda like the ‘Series of Unfortunate Events’ movie, where each segment was almost unrelated to the one before it, making it feel slightly disjointed.

But I did love how Josh Hartnett’s character came back into play at the very end. I thought that was brilliant and made up for some of the lack of connection otherwise. So overall, I though it was brilliant in what it attempted (and succeeded) to do. It has its flaws, sure, and it’s one of those movies you have to be in the right mood to watch… but when you’re in that mood, it’s a good one.

A Keanu 'Whoa'

THE EYE.

I had seen, and loved, the original Chinese version of The Eye a few years back. When I first heard they were remaking it, I was both excited and nervous. This project has been in the process of being made for a long time now. It had gone off radar for a while, but then, not too long ago, it showed up again, and it was starring Jessica Alba. So now that it’s out, I’m finally able to give my verdict. To catch people up, The Eye is about a blind violinist, Sydney (Jessica Alba), who gets a corneal transplant. However, she soon starts seeing things that she shouldn’t be, namely horrible situations, ghosts, and the very angry ‘shadows’ that transport them to the afterlife.

Now it’s been a while since I’ve seen the original, but I did get flashbacks while watching this version. So, in other words, there are some similarities between the two. However, I still think the original was better (of course). This one didn’t awe me as much (or creep me out as much) as the original, though that could be partially due to the annoying jerks sitting behind me who liked to talk really loud and refuse to silence their phones (Four times it rang, and he answered. FOUR).

Anywho, the only real characters you can get attached to are Sydney and this dude named Miguel, though Miguel isn’t in the movie enough to really matter. But he’s a nice guy nonetheless. Everybody else is either ‘blah’ or a jerk. The biggest ‘blah’ character is Sydney’s sister, Helen (Parker Posey), who gives such a mediocre performance that she’s really more like a random woman in the movie. The biggest jerk would be the potential love interest, Paul (Alessandro Nivola), who really is just a big a-hole. Sydney even calls him on it at one point. But then they randomly throw in scenes where you’re supposed to like him, or that Sydney’s character is supposed to grow more attached to him, but it just doesn’t work. The whole time you’re just sitting there like “This dude’s an ass.”

The visuals were good, though the ‘shadows’ reminded me of like a mix between Voldemort and the vamps from I Am Legend. The movie had a few creepy moments, but really only one or two big jump-scares. The original, again, was much creepier, though; especially the elevator scene, which was much more effective in the Chinese version. And the “Have you seen my report card?” kid in the original was creepy, though the one in this version was almost laughable.

Though, the movie wasn’t horrible. It did manage to entertain for what it was. But it didn’t do anything special, either. There was even a point in the movie where it makes fun of itself, as Sydney is about to say “I see dead people,” but Paul finishes her sentence and then laughs in her face. So in the end, this movie wasn’t awesome, but it didn’t suck, either. If you thought the premise was cool, you can check this one out, but I’d much recommend the original first. At least that one doesn’t have voice-over narration by Jessica Alba. The Eye gets…

Stop Saying Okay! Okay.

(P.S. The girl who plays Ana Christina Martinez totally looks like the girl who plays Alex on Lost. I would have sworn it was her while watching the movie, but it’s not.)