V.G. Movies #3: Super Mario Bros.

[Welcome back to the Evolution of Video Game Movies series. Every week, I will be moving forward through time, starting with the earliest and ending with the most recent of video game movies. I will be detailing the histories of the games and how the films came about, and both my and fan reaction to the adaptations. Practically all of my background information is either common knowledge or from Wikipedia. So without further ado, let's move on to the next film on the list.]

THE HISTORY

Last time, I discussed the origins of the Super Mario Bros. game. Today, I'm just going to briefly expand on that. The basic story of the original Mario was that Princess Toadstool (later re-named Peach after Super Mario 64), who rules over the Mushroom Kingdom, has been kidnapped by a giant dragon/dinosaur named Bowser (sometimes called Koopa, due to it later being revealed as his first name). Two brothers, Mario and Luigi, live in the Mushroom Kingdom and are tasked with saving her. As I said previously, this is a game that basically saved gaming in North America and is the second best-selling game of all time.

So of course there was gonna be a sequel. Originally there was in 1986, Super Mario Bros. 2: The Lost Levels was released in Japan... but not until years later in America. Why the difference? Because it was considered way too hard for American gamers. So in 1988, another SMB2 was released in America. It's drastically different from other games of the series, mostly because it was a completely different game and was altered to become a Mario game later. It involves the gang in a dreamland, and they can pick vegetables to throw at the enemies, etc.

But a SMB3 was still in demand. However, while they were converting SMB2 for American gamers, there was a lack in ROM chips which caused a delay in the release. This caused the company to have a little extra time and actually promote the game in a film. This film was called The Wizard, which was about a gaming tournament and included this particular game that hadn't been released yet. This third game in the series involved Toadstool getting kidnapped by Bowser after turning the king into a random thing and Mario and Luigi having to save the day. The game did well, and the series continued.

On the Nintendo Gameboy, we were given Super Mario Land, which introduced us to Princess Daisy (later revealed to be Peach's cousin, and Luigi's love interest). Daisy is kidnapped by an alien, and it's up to the brothers to save her. Then, in 1990, we were treated to Super Mario World... the game to introduce us to Yoshi. Mario and Luigi, after saving the Mushroom Kingdom, are having a vacation in Dinosaur Land. Of course, Princess Toadstool disappears, and it's up to the Brothers and Yoshi to save her from Bowser.

Clearly, it wasn't long before the popularity of the series demanded a film adaptation. It's considered the first actual Hollywood film based on a video game. Unfortunately, the movie was given a married couple director pair who argued about everything, never talked to each other or the actors about what should be going on, and apparently made life on set a living Hell. Most of the actors involved still proclaim this to be the worst experience on a film they've ever had. And while it does have numerous references to the games up to the point of production, the film is notorious for being nothing like the games. But upon further inspection, does it actually deserve its infamy... or is it actually not all that bad? Let's find out.

THE FILM

Mario (Bob Hoskins) and Luigi (John Leguizamo) are plumber brothers in Brooklyn just looking to catch a break. But one day, an archaeologist named Daisy (Samantha Mathis) gets kidnapped by a couple of doofuses, Iggy (Fisher Stevens) and Spike (Richard Edson), who are cousins to an evil King, Koopa (Dennis Hopper). Koopa rules over a parallel universe called Dinohattan (though Koopa makes an off-hand comment calling it a "mushroom kingdom" at one point). He has taken the throne from the previous king, Bowser, and wants a meteorite shard that will merge their world with Earth (since they're just a parallel universe of evolved dinosaurs that came to existence when the meteorite hit). Now it's up to Mario and Luigi to save Daisy and stop Koopa before it's too late.

When I was a little kid, I really did love this movie. I thought it was a lot of fun, and it never bothered me that it was nothing like the games (which I was also a fan of). But you know what it's like when you watch a kid-favorite film as an adult. It usually turns out awful. And as this film is already considered awful, I was marginally scared of how my thoughts on it were going to change. So did they?

Nope. I still think the movie is totally fun, and it doesn't deserve the bad reputation it has. Before you write me off (if you didn't already do that years ago), let me explain why. Let's start with the first part anybody ever notices in a movie adaptation of anything--the cast. I actually think Bob Hoskins was a perfect choice for Mario. Now, John Leguizamo looks nothing like Bob Hoskins (and is about 22 years younger). But it was actually explained pretty well that Mario adopted him, which was a pleasant and unique twist. I don't know if he is the absolute perfect choice for Luigi, but I think he did well with the role in this film, albeit sometimes a bit awkward. Mathis was perfect as the blonde Princess--she had attitude and spunk, and if she were to be cast today, it would be Elizabeth Banks (who Mathis looks like here anyway). Then... yes, Dennis Hopper as Koopa is great and over-the-top as you would expect a dinosaur-based evil king to be. So was anything wrong with the cast? I don't think so.

What usually falls apart in older films are this type are the visuals and/or special effects. But you know what? The effects in this film still hold up. Hell, I would say there are some movies today (*cough*SeasonoftheWitch*cough*) whose CGI is actually worse. There really isn't a whole lot of CGI; a lot of the film is practical and looks good because of that. And the computer effects that are there were apparently top of the line, as I didn't feel they were really all that bad or cheesy (including the "flying through the dimensional vortex" moment).

So I guess that really leaves the problem with the story. First, let's look at the story as a standalone, not as an adaptation. There's a nice setup where our heroes meet Daisy, get to know her a bit, and then have to chase after her when she gets kidnapped. They end up in a dystopian world where a tyrant(asaurus! Sorry...) has taken over the city from the old king, de-evolving him into slimy fungus. The king wants to merge the worlds to regain his rightful place on Earth and, thus, rule it all. Ignoring the adaptation aspect, it's a pretty solid story. There aren't really any major holes that I could decipher. It gives us a world and its rules and it abides by them. So for all intents and purposes, it's solid. And it's not boring, giving a mix of wacky action, adventure, and comedy.

But then you look at it as an adaptation... and this is where things fall apart. Neither Mario nor Luigi are Italian (nor is Luigi a blood brother). Where is Peach? Well, as we discovered earlier, Peach wasn't so named until the era of the Nintendo 64, which was after this film was made. Prior to that, it was Toadstool... and who is going to be walking around with the name Toadstool in a Hollywood movie? Daisy, a secondary princess in the series, was available, so it was used instead. Now, Daisy is Luigi's love interest, and they kept to that in the film. Although Mario ended up with some regular woman from Brooklyn (which kind of destroys the classic Mario/Toadstool dynamic). Anyway, the Goombas are enormous with tiny heads, which is pretty much the exact opposite of the games. Toad is... well, he's not even close to his game counterpart. Koopa isn't in a dinosaur form (well, he is for about 10 seconds at the climax, but that's about it). Don't even mention how Koopa has taken over from the previous king, Bowser (Bowser and Koopa are the same character!). Et cetera, et cetera.

But what is typically looked over are how many details the movie did keep from the games. The story is more of a mix of Super Mario Land and Super Mario World than Super Mario Bros. The world of the movie is closest to the Dinosaur Land of World (including Yoshi's appearance in this film and having eggs everywhere), while Daisy being kidnapped by somebody from another "planet" was taken from Land. You see the Shy Guys of SMB2. You see Bullet Bills as the ammunition for the jumping boots (which I'm assuming is a reference to the giant boots in SMB3). There's a Bob-omb, and a mushroom that is used to protect Mario right before he briefly grows in size (when he disintegrates to return to the Dino world). The king is transformed, like in SMB3. Big Bertha is there to represent the giant red fish in the games. There are the fireball guns. And the connections go on and on, even including some sound effects.

To me, this film is more of a re-imagining of the games' ideas than a straight adaptation. Because, seriously, how are you going to adapt a story about a dinosaur kidnapping a princess so that two Italian plumber brothers must travel through multiple worlds to fight turtles and other dinosaurs using mushrooms that make you big, flowers that make you shoot fireballs, and stars that make you twinkle invincibility. It's a damn near impossible story to tell, especially if you attempt to adapt it straight--as shown in the Japanese anime version. Personally, I feel that this was a smarter route to go. Now, could it have used a little more work? Definitely. Even as a re-imagining, it wasn't perfect. There are some painful aspects to this movie, and, yeah, it can get really cheesy/dumb at times. I think they could have done slightly more justice to the games. But as it is, I think the film is good cheesy, charming, and fun in its own right. I think it was unjustly given a bad reputation in its day, but looking back on it, it's really not all that bad... especially if you look at it as a children's film. I mean, damn... it's certainly better than 90% of the kids films that come out today.


A Keanu 'Whoa'

V.G. Movies #2: Super Mario Bros.: Peach-Hime Kyushutsu Dai Sakusen.

[Welcome back to the Evolution of Video Game Movies series. Every week, I will be moving forward through time, starting with the earliest and ending with the most recent of video game movies. I will be detailing the histories of the games and how the films came about, and both my and fan reaction to the adaptations. Practically all of my background information is either common knowledge or from Wikipedia. So without further ado, let's move on to the next film on the list.]

THE HISTORY

Last time, I discussed the video game crash of 1983-1985 and its potential causes. One of those reasons had been an influx in gaming systems, allowing too much competition. Again, one of those competing systems was a platform called the ColecoVision. Now, one of ColecoVision's most famous titles was that of Donkey Kong, released New Years Eve 1982. This game was the first platformer to include jumping and, as such, is considered the first true platformer and the originator of the genre as it is today. Though it didn't start with Coleco.

Nintendo wanted some characters they could market over multiple games, so they took a look at Popeye (brute steals girlfriend, hero has to save) and became inspired. In the game, the main character, Jumpman, must save his pink-dressed, blonde-haired girlfriend. Now, with computer animation being relatively new at the time, animators found it tricky how to get the little guy to move right. They couldn't draw a mouth, so a mustache was put there instead; hair was hard, so they put a cap on him; and they couldn't see his arms move, so colored overalls it was. They also eventually renamed the girlfriend and Jumpman after people they knew or who had helped them, giving them the names Pauline and Mario, respectively. The game became wildly popular in the arcade and was eventually sold to Coleco for home console porting.

Popularity was intense, so a spin-off entitled Mario Bros. was developed. Mario now had a brother, Luigi, and though Mario was originally a carpenter, he was made a plumber due to his look and location. The game was about the two brother plumbers who must save New York after strange creatures start coming out of the sewer pipes. But bouncing around and attacking enemies from below was too easy, so the concept of just knocking them onto their backs and kicking them away was born. What kind of creatures came from that idea? Turtles, as their shells made it easy for them to get stuck on their backs.

Although released during the crash, the game was popular enough not to be affected. And so a sequel was called for, which was also to be used as a swan song for the Famicom (the Japanese name for the NES). Enter... Super Mario Bros. for the NES. And now, the turtles could be stomped on, since they just felt flipping them first would be illogical. They also wanted Mario to be able to change sizes, so while looking into ancient folk lore, they discovered stories where people would walk into forests and eat magical mushrooms. Thus, the mushrooms and the Mushroom Kingdom were born. The game was released in 1985, along with the NES itself (in America), and helped save the video game industry from the crash.

The game's popularity skyrocketed, and Japan wanted to release a film immediately to cash in on the success. On July 20, 1986, they released an anime movie in Japanese theaters. The film was called Super Mario Bros.: Peach-Hime Kyushutsu Dai Sakusen (or, roughly translated, Super Mario Bros.: The Great Mission to Rescue Princess Peach!). Nobody knows how well it did or anything like that. The film was never released in another language, nor was it released on DVD. It's also almost impossible to find on VHS, making it one of the rarest movies in the world.

However, you can find fan-made subtitled and dubbed versions on YouTube. And that's how I saw it.

THE FILM

(Note: It's come to my attention that some of the following problems I had with this film are more than likely translation errors. Whoever made the translations on YouTube apparently did so poorly, causing for at least some of the confusion I had with the story.)

Holy Hell is this movie weird. I'm serious. The game itself makes more logical sense. There's no way a formal review can do this justice. So in that light, I'm going to do a Jason Soto-style review where I take you through the movie and give my thoughts as we go.

The movie begins with Mario playing a video game similar to Super Mario Bros., but with a couple differences here and there. Luigi comes in and complains a few times, but leaves him alone. And then... out of nowhere... Princess Peach and a bunch of the monsters from the Mario games fly out of the TV. Peach proclaims she's being attacked by Bowser, who is trying to take over her Mushroom Kingdom. Then Bowser himself bursts through and kidnaps the princess back into the game, leaving Mario in a panic. But he finds her necklace on the floor and takes it.

So you know how Mario and Luigi are supposed to be plumbers? Well, despite being referenced as such later in the movie, they work at a grocery store. You see them with a customer, but then Luigi notices the necklace... and this is where things stop making sense. Luigi states that the necklace belongs to the Mushroom Kingdom where they will be able to find a ton of treasure. (Luigi is a greedy spaz in this film.) So I guess the video game world and the real world exist in the same universe? But earlier, Luigi thought Mario was insane for saying Princess Peach had shown up asking for help, etc., since she's just a video game character.

Anyway, a centipede dog thing shows up, steals the necklace, and causes the brothers to chase after him. They chase him to this field full of pipes... which are there for no reason. Just empty pipes laying around. They end up going down one of the pipes after the centipede dog and travel to the magical universe of the Mushroom Kingdom... which I guess ISN'T part of their own world. Because they meet this old hermit guy who tells them they are the legendary heroes who will save the princess. Why are they the chosen legendary heroes? Because they play video games and can thus find treasure better. I kid you not. There's no telling of a prophecy or a magic book that speaks of their greatness. They just know about the Mario Bros. and know they are the legendary heroes... because they play video games. Anyway, they have to find the mushroom of growth, the fire flower, and the invincibility star in order to defeat Bowser.

So they start on their journey (with the centipede dog tagging along), where we have our first of many montage sequences. They're spotted by a couple Goombas as they rest for the night. The Goombas trick Luigi into eating some mushrooms... which he basically gets stoned off of. Again... no joke. They alter his emotions. Then a flying turtle kidnaps them and tries to feed them to its bird children. But while they're in the nest, Mario spots a crystallized mushroom. He climbs the tree to get it, releasing it... but also gets showered by a bunch of coins that spray from the tree. They fall to the ground... and the coins turn into female versions of Toad (or Toadettes). They thank the brothers for freeing them and give Mario the growth mushroom, then give him a kiss on the cheek.

Begin another montage full of bizarre imagery that has Mario using the mushroom to fight against stuff (like bullets and koopa troopas). But the Goombas from earlier followed them and give them bad directions, leading them into a forest of the man-eating plants. They quickly escape, though... but I guess because three of the plants got tangled up, the entire forest sinks into the ground? I'm not sure how that works.

But they're not out of trouble yet, as a turtle-in-a-cloud shows up and throws spikes at them for trespassing. He waters the spikes and gives them light so they turn into the giant spiky turtles. But Mario sits on a growing vine and flies into the air where he grabs onto a piece of the cloud and rips it off. He starts to control the weather with it and makes it snow. The enemies below (who have surrounded Luigi and centipede dog) are bored waiting for Mario to do something. Everybody gets covered in snow. But then the snow melts and everything turns to grass and flowers and the cloud turns into another Toadette. Um... yeah. The Toadette gives him a fire flower.

Cue montage. Mario uses fireball powers. They break some stone boxes to get coins and some boxes of ramen noodles with labels that have their faces on them... still with me? The Goombas then trap them in a cave, and it's at this point we switch perspectives for a minute. Now we're with Peach and Bowser. Peach is angry and wants to be set free, but Bowser just wants to marry her. In fact, he has a little school-boy crush on her and loves her. To show this, he transforms into different weird things. Peach tries to get him to turn into a teddy bear and trap him in a box, but it doesn't work.

Back in the cave, Luigi digs an escape while Mario daydreams about dancing with Peach. They barely escape the hammer-throwing turtle and find the invincibility star. But it falls into the water. Mario and centipede dog jump in after it. Amazingly, Mario can breath and talk just fine underwater. He looks around for the star while being chased by inflatable fish. He finds it in a clam, but gets trapped inside, so the centipede dog has to tickle it to release Mario, and they swim off. But they're chased again and escape into an old sunken ship that starts to rise out of the water. Then they're attacked by a giant squid, so they blow air (despite being underwater) to make the sail push them out. They finally escape, grab Luigi, and sail off... um... into the sky. But it does eventually come back down onto the water.

The wedding ceremony starts, but Mario and Luigi arrive just in time. Bowser escapes further into his castle with Peach, leading the others to chase after him. You can imagine the weird things they have to avoid while following (WHY would somebody have a room with a lava pit and elevating platforms? What purpose does that otherwise serve?). But Luigi accidentally floods the place while looking for more gold coins, which somehow causes the entire castle to collapse. But Bowser attacks Mario in the rubble. Mario goes to eat the invincibility star to fight back, but some food randomly appears out of nowhere to distract him, and he drops the star to eat the noodles. But then Luigi shows up with the star.

Long story short here, Mario eats the gold star, becomes invincible, and saves the princess. Fun fact--the way he defeats Bowser (by spinning him and tossing him by his tail) was a method later adapted in the hit game Super Mario 64. Anyway... then... get this... the centipede dog transforms into a boy who looks younger than Peach. And then Peach reacts with a "Daddy?" Yeah, that's right. The centipede dog was a transformed king the whole time... but the king looks even younger than his daughter. Anyway, Mario and Luigi leave with no real reward or anything. Then there's an after-credits scene where the grocery store customer from the beginning goes inside and is served by Bowser and his Goombas. The end.

Honestly, whether you think my description there was weird or not... I don't think I even covered the tip of the iceberg on how bizarre this little movie gets. A lot of it has to do with the visuals. The animation itself is fine, but there is a lot of bizarre stuff going on in this movie. Half of it makes no sense whatsoever. I didn't even mention the fact that the entire movie is playing a mixture of J-Pop and music from the games. And there are game sound effects littered throughout. At certain points, anytime the brothers even walk one step, you get the "Mario jumping" sound. Just stuff like that. And on a nit-picky side, Luigi's outfit is blue in this, while it's usually green.

There's no wonder this movie was never released after its theater debut and a minor VHS release. The thing is a trippy trainwreck. You can tell they just wanted to incorporate every little thing from the game in this film but had no idea how to do it. We all know this is a near-impossible story to adapt as it is, but they didn't even try to have it make any sense. If you're a super-fan of the series, I'd say track it down for completionist's sake. Otherwise, only bother with it if you just want something bizarre.


WTF

(P.S. I know this is two weeks in a row with this rating, but I promise that'll stop. Stay tuned next week where I take a look at the American's attempt to adapt the non-adaptable.)

R2D2... The One With Video Game Videos.

OK, so it's been quite a strange video game-related weekend. Most of the videos I've seen over the weekend have been video game related, for one reason or another, and most of them old-school video games (Mario and Pokemon being at the forefront). So I wanted to share some of these videos. Let's start with the very first one I watched over the weekend.

For those of you who have never heard of Smosh... how dare you. They're two friends from California who became an internet sensation a few years back (mostly getting their gain to fame from, ironically, a lip syncing video to Pokemon). But that's not the video I'm showing. I've been a fan of Smosh for years, and while the quality of their humor varies from video to video, their newest one tickled the geek in me. It's called "If Video Games Were Real."



The next video on the list is an oldie but a goodie. I used to quote this video all the time (which shows what kind of life I ever had) and had forgotten about it until today. It is essentially just two gangsta guys watching Pokemon. So here it is, "Two Guys Watch Pokemon." (Warning: Language).



To continue with the Pokemon trend here, this is a video I randomly stumbled upon today. It's a group of guys who made a pretty awesome song (and music video) in the style of gangsta rap about Pokemon. It's incredibly clever and full of really witty puns. And there are so many Pokemon references that anybody who played the original games will be dying laughing. If I had to equate this to anything lately, I'd say it's a nerdy version of something The Lonely Island would do. Here you are, "Pokemon Gangsta Rap."



Now jumping from Pokemon to Mario, here is something leaving comedy and going into just the plain amazing. A friend showed me this video. It's essentially an 11-minute Rube Goldberg machine using a Super Mario World mod that plays about 33 different songs using background music and sound effects from the game.



Now, going back to the funny, I wanna wrap this up with 4 videos that are absolutely, literally ROFL-inducing videos. Apparently there is a computer mod for the original Mario Bros. game that totally screws up the levels to where there's no floor and everything just doesn't make sense. Well, this guy spends about 20 minutes trying to go through it (only ever making it to level 1-2), and his voice-over is one of the funniest things I've heard in a long time. What makes it funnier is the fact that he sounds almost like a middle eastern guy trying to do a Christopher Walken impression the entire time. And if you'd like to see somebody actually beat this mod (and in short time), you can just search YouTube. But it's not even remotely as entertaining as this. So here you are, "Mario - The Hardest Level." (Warning: Incredibly strong language throughout).

Part 1:


Part 2:


Part 3:


Part 4:

Why Haven't They Made This Yet? #2

[Do you know what I find even more annoying than the constant wave of remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations? People complaining about remakes, reboots, sequels/prequels, and comic book and video game adaptations. Seriously, all I ever hear these days is 'waah, why aren't there any fresh ideas? Everything is (see above) nowadays!' And frankly, I'm getting really tired of it. So instead of joining the ranks, I'm going to embrace all said types of film, and I will be celebrating it in a segment I like to call... "Why haven't they made this yet?"]

I didn't want to do another video game adaptation so soon, but this one has been on my mind since I conceived the idea for this. I had to get it all down. So here we go.



Title: Super Mario Bros.

Type: Video Game Adaptation/Remake/Reboot.

History: Mario and his brother Luigi were first introduced to us in the original Mario Bros. way back in the 80s. Since then, they've spawned numerous games which have become the second biggest selling game series in history.

One might think that a movie based on Mario would be nearly impossible. And I would agree. Just look at the version done in the 90s with Bob Hoskins. I mean, have you ever looked at the story of the games? Really, truly looked at it? You have two plumber brothers who find themselves in the Mushroom Kingdom. Princess Peach, the sole princess of the kingdom, has been kidnapped by a dinosaur, Bowser. It's up to these two to get her back, traveling to many different lands/worlds to find her. These worlds span kingdoms of giants, ice, water, desert, and more. Along the way they have to face other dinosaurs, turtles, and goombas (creatures of the Mushroom Kingdom that joined Bowser's side). But Mario and Luigi don't have to do this alone. First, they have the guide of a mushroom-headed guy named Toad who helps by saying "The princess is in another castle!" But you also get superpowers. Depending on what icon you consume, you can shoot fireballs, wear a raccoon suit that turns you to stone, hop in a frog suit to swim under water, or become invincible for a short amount of time. All of this in the name of the princess.

How insane is that?

Film Possibilities

Genre: First of all, there's no way this movie could be live action and look as good as it could. But it wouldn't be good enough to have simple animation. Motion Capture would be the way to go. As for genre, it would be action/adventure fantasy. The adventure is obvious by all the travel, and of course the action to go with it. The movie would also have to embrace the fantasy and not try to make it real like the original film did. It would also have to have a lot of comedy. This movie cannot possibly take itself seriously or it'll fail big time.

Why This Movie Could Work: Beowulf. Motion Capture is slowly becoming more and more popular, and even though it's all animated, it can look real without simultaneously looking ridiculous. To top it off, this movie could be 3D, as there's a big 3D craze going on at the moment. Can you imagine all the fireballs and turtle shells flying at you? Awesome.

Story: The Mushroom people and the dinosaur people live in harmony within the Mushroom Kingdom. But the King is dying. Princess Peach is up for the crown, but Chancellor Bowser is a wee bit greedy. He causes anarchy within the kingdom and kidnaps the Princess, waiting for the king to die. If the princess isn't home and alive when the king dies, the crown automatically goes to the next in line: the Chancellor. The kingdom is split, half staying loyal and the other half siding with Bowser. But there's a prophecy of two brothers that will save the kingdom. The king sends Toad to find them, and find them he does. The king sends Mario and Luigi to find the princess and bring her home to claim her crown. So now they must travel the world, through hot and cold, through the strange and stranger, to get her back.

Along they way they discover the powers of the Mushroom Kingdom, and the different abilities they can gain, such as harnessing fire. Hopefully they can reach the princess and defeat Bowser before it's too late.

Director: This is a toughie. Who has experience with Motion Capture, fantasy, adventure, and comedy? Who would be willing to take a gamble, especially after the worldwide infamy that is the first film? I was tempted to throw all that out the window and go with a specific director based on previous work with the following cast, but I think prior knowledge would be important here. I have to go with Robert Zemeckis. He's directed Beowulf, The Polar Express, and the upcoming A Christmas Carol. There's no doubt he knows his Motion Capture. He can do comedy where we know something is serious, but it refuses to take itself as such: Who Framed Roger Rabbit? And he can do the fantastical, as seen in Beowulf and Back to the Future. I really think Mr. Zemeckis would be the perfect director for this.

Cast: This was one of the toughest parts. The king and Toad aren't too worrisome. It's Mario, Luigi, Princess Peach, and Bowser we have to worry about. Let's start with our leads. There aren't many actors out there who could do this well. They have to not only make you care for them as you watch them, but they have to have a good chemistry between each other. One has to be portly (which isn't that common in Hollywood), while the other a bit lanky. That's why I feel the following casting is an inspired one (they'd just have to work on the accents and grow thick mustaches):

That's right, Nick Frost and Simon Pegg as Mario and Luigi (respectively). We already know they have chemistry. We already know they can do action (Hot Fuzz). We know they can take something serious and not take it too seriously. And being the nerds that they are, they would treat the material with the utmost respect. As I said, they'd have to work on the accents, but that shouldn't be too hard for either of them. Obviously, the director choice I alluded to earlier was Edgar Wright, having worked with these two before.

But now we have the princess. We need a good looking blonde woman. She'll probably want to be a medium-named actress. Not an Angelina Jolie, but not a no-name, either. Somebody we know and can identify with and who we would want to see rescued, but not somebody so famous that they'd want an extended role (as Peach probably wouldn't be in the film a whole lot). One name springs to mind: Banks.

Her name is all over the place, but I don't think it's Jolie-level quite yet. And who wouldn't want to save Elizabeth Banks from a dinosaur? It'd be perfect.

Finally, our villain. Of course, this is a dinosaur we're talking about. It won't obviously be an actor, so it's the voice we're looking at here. Somebody who can exude evilness in his voice. And if we're going with my script, somebody who can be at least eligant, as he is a chancellor of a magical kingdom. Even if we didn't go with my script, Bowser would have to be a good speaker, as he has so many followers. Only one name crossed my mind. Hugo Weaving. Who didn't get the chills as he went on his rants in The Matrix? Who didn't love listening to him spin rhetoric in V For Vendetta? And we never even saw him in that one (not skin, anyway). He can keep you entranced by voice alone, villain or otherwise. And that's why I think he'd be the perfect Bowser.

And that's pretty much all there is to this edition. Thoughts?

Video Game Movies: The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly.

I haven’t done this article-type since the Harry Potter one, which was one of my first articles, so this outta be interesting. With the advent of another live-action Street Fighter movie coming (centered around Chun-Li… who is being played by the non-Asian Kristin Kreuk), I felt it might be a good time to talk about Video Game Movies. Video Game Movies have been the bane of movie existence for some time. Some are pretty good, others decent, but most are just God-awful and incredibly horrible in paying the original source material homage. The following five movie series’ (or just movies) will detail what is good, bad, and ugly about each. But you don’t always have to be a fan of the games to be able to say whether or not it was a bad movie (though it does help some). So without further ado, here we go.

NOTE: Uwe Boll movies were automatically disqualified from this list due to none of them having any quality outside of ‘ugly’.

Super Mario Bros. (1993).

Intro: What’s a video game movie list without this one? Seriously. It would just be incomplete. Super Mario Bros., based on the insanely popular video game series of the same name, starred Bob Hoskins as Mario, John Leguizamo as Luigi, Dennis Hopper as Koopa, and Samantha Mathis as Princess Daisy. Though I must admit I haven’t seen this one since I was younger.

The Good: The movie might be bad, but it had some fun moments. Yoshi, after all, looked pretty cool. Also, those jumping boot things that they wore later on into the movie were cool. And Samantha Mathis was pretty hot in this movie, I have to say. Oh, and getting their red and green uniforms toward the end was funny/cool.

The Bad: Probably the acting, but it’s been too long to say. If I had to add something to this category, though, I’d say the ending. It left it at this huge ambiguous cliffhanger that really isn’t explained at all… and there’s probably never going to be a sequel… so that sucks. Most of everything else pretty much falls into the next category, though.

The Ugly: The story is absolutely nothing like the game. It’s like the writers tried to pay homage, but then got scared that the audience might not be able to grasp or comprehend the fantasy aspect of it, so they added a scientific twist to the whole thing. Instead of being just another world, it became a parallel universe where all the dinosaurs went when the meteorite crashed. Then they evolved into humans, as if they were afraid of having walking dinosaurs. And the Goombas were just de-evolved human-forms with huge bodies and tiny heads (when it should have been the OTHER way around). Toad was a hippie with a guitar and harmonica who was turned into a Goomba. Koopa was just an old dude who turned into a Raptor or something for roughly 2.5 seconds at the end instead of being a bulky monster dinosaur thing. It was just completely screwed up.

The Mortal Kombat Movies (1995 and 1997).

Intro: The first movie was actually pretty decent and fun. The second movie was, well, not. The first one revolved around just the basic characters from the first game or so. The second one… well, we’ll get to that.

The Good: The first movie was entertaining, stayed true to characters, and had some cool action. Scorpion and Sub-Zero were awesome. The Liu Kang/Reptile fight is wicked awesome. Goro was cool looking, too. I liked how they even threw in signature moves for each character. And Liu Kang doing the Hadoken or whatever at the end was awesome. The second movie… well, it was cool seeing all those characters on screen. And the Scorpion/Smoke/Sub-Zero fight was neat.

The Bad: First of all, Johnny Cage dies within the first five minutes. How lame is that? Second, the bad guy was lame and wasn’t nearly as creepy as Shang Tsung. Third, the dude who played Rayden changed (with a shorter haircut), only to be explained by him becoming mortal or something. Finally, the woman who played Sonya also changed… pfft. They kill off the character when the actor is the same, but they keep the characters whose actors change.

The Ugly: While seeing all the brand new characters from the later games on screen was cool, there were just far too many trying to be incorporated, and the story suffered for it. Not to mention that there were just some incredibly pointless scenes. It made the movie muddled and nearly pointless.

Silent Hill (2006).

Intro: Again, based on the games of the same name, Silent Hill is a creepy survival-horror game (supposedly one of the scariest). I haven’t played any of the games, but I’ve read that the movie was similar to the first game (I believe), but changed up a bit (such as making the main character a woman instead of a man).

The Good: This movie did have some pretty creepy moments, most specifically the ‘darkness’ scenes with Pyramid Head and all the other monsters (The Janitor was crazy! And I don’t mean the one from Scrubs). The story was done pretty well, too, as everything that comes together at the end was all pretty cool. The acting wasn’t too bad, either.

The Bad: After the first viewing, the movie gets pretty boring, especially the beginning. And the scenes with the husband (Sean Bean) are almost completely irrelevant and pointless. In fact, the movie was written with only a full-female cast, but the studio wanted some men in there, so they added the husband’s side of the story. It’s obvious that it was just tacked on with no real purpose.

The Ugly: The ending basically ruins this movie for me. I try to pretend the movie ends as soon as they drive off away from Silent Hill. But no… they go home in a world covered in the misty stuff never again to come back to the husband/father… and the little girl is still possessed or whatever by her evil half… and the sequel doesn’t seem to be coming until 2010 at the earliest, with possibly none of the cast from the first movie involved.

The Resident Evil Trilogy (2002, 2004, 2007).

Intro: The Resident Evil Trilogy is an odd puppy. The first movie is nothing like the games. The second movie tries to overcompensate. The third movie has to deal with the repercussions of the first two. So let’s get into it, shall we?

The Good: The first movie has the overall feel of the games, and the licker is pretty cool. The second movie has some of the characters from the games, such as Carlos, Jill, and the Ashford family. It also gives us Nemesis and S.T.A.R.S. The third movie removes Jill the Ashford’s and gives us Claire (sans her brother) and Wesker. The action that comes along with Alice is pretty cool, as she really is a badass, and Milla Jovovich is always cool. Oh, and the big fight at the end of the third movie with Tyrant was wicked cool.

The Bad: As stated, the first movie is nothing like the games at all in story. And you don’t even know Alice’s name until the ending credits. The Mansion was barely used, either. The second movie added in more game elements, but turned it from survival-horror to action. The third movie, unfortunately, had to wrap up all the crazy storylines going on, which made it fall symptom to something similar to the Pirates of the Caribbean films.

The Ugly: Alice, a character completely unrelated to the games, was way too powerful of a character. She was literally almost unbeatable. That is… until the third movie, when suddenly she had weaknesses and limits to her abilities. Also, they cut and added characters in and out of these movies like they were nothing. Two characters major to the second movie (Jill and Angie Ashford) supposedly die between the second and third movies. Not to mention that a lot of the character backgrounds for the ones that were taken from the games were a lot different.

The Final Fantasy Movies (2001 and 2005).

Intro: There should technically only be one Final Fantasy movie (Advent Children), because Spirits Within really shouldn’t count. But we’ll get to those shortly. I’m ending with these two movies because they are perfect examples of how both not to make a video game movie and how to do it perfectly.

The Good: Regardless of anything, the graphics for both movies are nothing short of stunning. Forget The Polar Express, these movies were screwed out of recognition for their simply beautiful CGI. Now, as for Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children… that is how you do a Video Game Movie. Sure, they might have been doing it to cash in, but it seemed purely fan service. Every important character was there, it picked up soon after the game ended, and the story (while there isn’t much of one) is pretty cool. The voice acting, believe it or not, is done really nicely, too (with one exception). Oh, and the music is amazingly beautiful. A large portion is remixed from the game, but the game music was beautiful anyway. Finally, the action in is some of the coolest, most badass action I’ve ever seen in an animated movie (and I do watch anime). As for anything good about Spirits Within… well… the story was good, and it had a lot of really good voice actors (Steve Buscemi, Ving Rhames, James Woods, Keith David, Alec Baldwin, Ming-Na).

The Bad: Well, the only ‘bad’ goes to Advent Children, as most of the rest of Spirits Within would be under the next category. So anyway, Advent Children’s only bad side is that it really is a fan-service movie. If you haven’t played the game, you’ll probably be incredibly lost into most of the stuff happening (as it is a sequel to the game). Well, you might not be incredibly lost, as there is a voice-over narration that explains almost every key point you need to know, but you won’t get the deeper meanings or a full understanding of everything happening. Also, what the hell is up with the American voice for Cait Sith? Why they hell does he sound like a drunken Irishman? Especially since he’s actually a robot controlled by Reeve, who is even voiced via telephone before Cait Sith shows up in the movie, and is not a drunken Irishman…

The Ugly: This is pretty simple. Spirits Within had absolutely nothing, nada, zip to do with Final Fantasy. The first Resident Evil movie had more to do with its source material than Spirits Within, which is sad. There was one connection… a dude named Cid… but it was even SPELLED wrong! In the movie, they spelled it Sid. The movie itself isn’t actually all that awful… but it’s no Final Fantasy. There’s nothing even remotely similar to a Final Fantasy story that would be in a game. They should have gone with the original title idea and named it ‘Gaia’ instead of trying to cash in on the FF brand. That way, it probably wouldn’t have been boycotted like it was, it would have made more money, and Squaresoft wouldn’t have bankrupted like it did and be forced to merge with their rival company to stay afloat to become Square-Enix (it’s ironic that Final Fantasy was the game to keep the company going in the first place, and the FF movie was what basically killed them).

Conclusion: So all in all, I would like to conclude with this: Uwe Boll, stop making movies, you horrible, horrible man. You’re ruining video games and movies simultaneously. That is all. Oh, and people need to make more movies like Final Fantasy 7: Advent Children.