I'm not even going to give this movie my time or effort in giving it a full-out review. So here are my basic, straight-forward thoughts:Ahem.
Fuck the animal violence footage.
Fuck the nearly non-existent yet simultaneously confusing-ass plot.
Fuck the illogical actions by the zero-dimensional characters (seriously? No backup? No 'officer down!'? Oh, and WHY NOT try to execute him one more time before you faked his death anyway? And more... so much more).
Fuck the "you can't see shit because it's too fucking dark" cinematography through the entire fucking movie.
Fuck the editing.
Fuck the characters who you don't care for because you don't even know their names much less anything else about them.
Fuck the incredibly pointless hammer scene.
Fuck the ending.
Fuck Jodelle Ferland's agent for allowing her to be in this movie, as she's the only talent in this piece of shit, and she was only about 12 at the time.
Fuck Uwe Boll, who lost any semblance of respect he had garnered from me over the last few days after watching this "movie."
Fuck Uwe Boll again for making me actually say the following: this movie makes Hostel seem like the fucking Godfather. And we know how much I loathe Hostel and its stupidness.
Fuck anybody who thinks there's any minute of this film that's good or entertaining, even if it's in a "so bad it's good" way, because it isn't, and they're wrong, and they lose any kind of credibility as a movie commentator by saying otherwise. And finally...
Fuck. This. Movie.
Peace out.
She's Gone From Suck to Blow!
(And no, it wasn't because I found the movie "hard to stomach" or anything like that. We all know I love horror and gore. After the PETA footage at the beginning, I was fine. It's just a really, really bad movie.)
Possibly one of the best short reviews I've ever read, and possibly some of the best uses of the word "fuck" in a film review yet. Kudos.
ReplyDeleteNow I sorta feel bad for the customers who buy this DVD at my work - and there are surprisingly a good amount (moreso than BLOODRAYNE, at least).
Andy: Thanks :P . The review format actually came to me about 5-10 minutes into the movie. Yeah. I was already feelin' it that early in. I'm surprised I made it the whole way through.
ReplyDeleteAnd your customers probably don't know what they're getting themselves into... hell, I'd recommend BloodRayne. At least that's hilarious (intentionally or otherwise).
Can you tell us how you really feel?
ReplyDelete