WTF Did I Just Watch: Deadgirl.

So, I haven't done one of these in a long time. For those who don't remember--or weren't around back then--these types of reviews are pretty spoiler-heavy. I write them similarly to how Jason Soto writes his reviews; in other words, I summarize the movie while talking about the bizarre shit that goes on during the film. And yeah, I'll cuss a lot, too. Now, I had heard of this movie and even seen the trailer. I thought it was interesting, but I'd forgotten about it. Then Jason mentioned he was going to be doing a Live Twitter Event later this month where he will be tweeting his reactions as he's watching (I can't wait for that one). He got me interested in checking it out again, and when he reminded me it was on Netflix Instant Streaming, I thought "why not?"

This post is the true story of "why not."

A lot of you might know Jason's love/hate relationship with the French horror film Martyrs. I'm going to start off this review by saying... this is my Martyrs.

It starts off with two douchebags named Rickie and J.T. Rickie totally looks similar to one of my students, which really put me off immediately. Anyway, he starts with the joke "What's a word that starts with 'F' and ends with 'uck'? Firetruck!" Of course, any Smosh fans like myself out there will immediately go right to this. Not off to a good start.. So that threw me off for the first 5-10 minutes, as well. It doesn't help that the acting is terrible and the visuals look horrible. And obviously, the rest of the writing/dialogue and directing is just as painful.

Well, the douchebag duo decide to ditch school and go drink some warm beers in an old, abandoned insane asylum. Why? Why not! So they head on in and do douchebag things like kick chairs into walls, waterfall hot beer into their mouths, and try repeatedly to break a shatter-proof window. Eventually, they're chased down into a basement or something by a random, angry dog. While there, they stumble upon the tied up body of a nude girl. She's beaten, bound, and gagged. Rickie seems to do a personality 180 and become a more caring individual (our hero, ladies and gents), while J.T...

OK, I'm not making this up. They see the dead-to-dying body of a girl long forgotten in this decrepit building. J.T.'s first response? Essentially "Dude, let's fuck her. A lot." No joke. Of course, Rickie wants none of this and leaves. He does try to call the cops, but his mom's drunk boyfriend shows up and distracts him by giving him good life advice. Rickie yells at him and acts like a dick for reasons we're never really given except that he drinks beer. I guess that's really the sign of a douchebag in this movie.

We also discover not long after that Rickie is in love with some girl JoAnn, who he apparently had a chance with when they were in Jr. High, but now that time has past because she's turned into a bitch who will only date jocks or something. Anyway, we're also introduced to another friend of Rickie and J.T., a stoner named Wheeler.

Rickie, wanting nothing to do with the whole situation, tries to stay away. But J.T. comes back and forces Rickie to come back, as he has something to show him. They go, and Rickie starts to realize that J.T. might have killed her. And he did. About 3 times. He strangled her, broke her neck, and shoots her a few times. But she won't die. He "accidentally" killed her the first time because she was a bit... bitey. It's like she's a zombie or something! So you know what he does? Fucks her some more. They make a promise not to tell anyone about this, and Rickie leaves.

Rickie, having nightmares about the deadgirl, decides to go back and confront J.T. and do something about her. Unfortunately, he arrives only to discover Wheeler down there fucking the shit out of her while J.T. watches, despite Rickie and J.T. saying they weren't going to tell anybody. After this, they all promise each other never to tell anyone. J.T. never seems to leave the place, deciding he wants to fuck her 12 ways from Sunday. This includes, I kid you not, them discussing fucking the pus-oozing gunshot holes in her torso, because, hey, "it's warm."

And the movie hasn't even gotten interesting yet, folks.

Rickie eventually decides to end this and free the deadgirl by cutting her free. Unfortunately, he only gets one hand done before J.T. and Wheeler show back up. J.T. starts to rape her as per usual when she fights back and scratches his face. Rickie manages to escape unseen, though Wheeler does figure out it was him.

There's more necrophilia-esque rape. There's also a scene somewhere in here where the dog comes to attack J.T. again. It hops up onto the table over the deadgirl, and J.T. thinks he's screwed. But then deadgirl attacks the dog and bites it apart, splattering blood and guts everywhere. Anyway, there are more school interactions between Rickie, JoAnn, JoAnn's boyfriend Johnny, and Wheeler. We never find out what the hell happened between them that makes it too late for them to hook up. Anyway, Johnny and his jock friend Dwyer beat the crap out of Rickie for talking to JoAnn (he also asks her out at one point, and she's kind of a bitch in response). They also beat the crap out of Wheeler.

Wheeler decides to take this time to blurt out to Johnny and his friend that they have their "own pussy." Of course, this causes Johnny and Dwyer to force the other two to take them to see her. Mortified at first, Johnny and Dwyer want to get out of there. But J.T. and Wheeler talk them into trying it out for themselves. Dwyer fucks her while Johnny--not acquainted with her bitey-ness, decides to go for the blow job. Of course, we the viewer see it coming a mile away. When it happens, Johnny beats the crap out of her face, ugly-ing her up even more. Now, this is probably the most genius bit of writing in the entire movie. J.T. says they can't go to the police, because how would Johnny explain his injury? I can't explain it as they do in the movie, but it was actually pretty smart on J.T.'s part (disgusting, but smart).

Anyway, the next day, Johnny runs to the bathroom because his stomach is killing him. He goes to take a shit and his intestines explode out of his ass. He falls to the ground, and you realize that the deadgirl has infected him. He's just like her now (zombie). J.T. and Wheeler realize the power of the bite and decide to make a new deadgirl to rape since their current one is basically damaged goods. So they go stake out a gas station and scope out women they could take. Wheeler talks one bigger woman to check out some weed they had in the trunk. While she's peering down, he bashes her over the head. And this part is truly hilarious. She does a slow turn and stare. Then she starts bleeding a lot from the head. You think she's about to fall over... but instead, she starts cussing and kicks the living shit out of the two guys and storms away back to her car and leaves. No joke.

Of course, JoAnn decides to show up and confront the two beaten and battered guys about Johnny. They kidnap her and decide she'll be the new deadgirl. Rickie shows up and sees what's going on. The entire place is covered in Christmas lights (how did they get the power?), and JoAnn is tied up to deadgirl. Rickie has a machete and starts to cut her down, but he's interrupted. Rickie gets pissed and cuts off Wheeler's hand. Then, long story short, deadgirl gets free, attacks Wheeler and J.T., and Rickie and JoAnn run for it. The path is blocked, so they come back. Deadgirl pushes past Rickie instead of attacking him, somehow recognizing he only ever tried to help her. During this, we find out that J.T. had--at some point--stabbed JoAnn, and she was dying. J.T. offers to bite her (since he's newly infected), as it's not too late, so she can be immortal.

Then we fade away and see the deadgirl making her escape to freedom. After that, Rickie is walking around town super cheery and whatever. He then goes down into the asylum basement where we see JoAnn all dolled up in a white dress, tied to the table, clearly showing that Rickie decided to make her the new deadgirl so that he can fuck her whenever he wants. The end.

So, what did we learn from this, boys and girls? If you believe that if you came across a naked, tied down zombie girl and immediately thought "eh... I'd fuck her," then this movie is for you! Seriously, this was one bizarre, fucked up movie. I can't even get into the visual style of the film, which makes it even darker, dirtier, and more disturbing than I describe. The deadgirl herself is freaky/scary as hell (the makeup crew did well). After the first 10-15 minutes, the quality of the overall film gets better. The acting gets a bit better (though I swear J.T. goes in and out of some totally weird southern accent). The visuals are disturbing. The whole movie is just fucked up. I can't describe it any different. The first 40 minutes or so start to get very redundant and are kinda dull. But I suppose about the halfway point, the movie makes an interesting shift and starts to get at least somewhat creative. You're not sure up until that point if she's immortal or a zombie or what. I think it's a creative take on a zombie story, despite the film itself being really messed up. I suppose, at the very least, it's original? Though I'm not sure this is the film all you people bitching about not having original concepts these days were asking for.

Do I recommend this film? No. It's not a poorly made film or anything, in all honesty. But like Jason with Martyrs, I can't in good faith go around telling people they need to see this movie. So I'll leave it at this review. If you've read this and think you'd still like to check it out... please leave me your name so I know who to keep an eye on. Otherwise... enjoy? I guess? Whatever.


WTF