60/60 Review #50: Shark Attack 3: Megalodon.

Note: Ladies and gentlemen, I have reached the 50th review (not including Extras) for this project! 10 more (official) to go! Also... I adore the fact that in a list full of some of the greatest movies ever made... this is number 50.

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Sometimes some of the greatest lines in film are improvised. The Drill Sergeant's speech in Full Metal Jacket. "Here's Johnny." "I'm walkin' here!" "You talkin' to me?" "You're gonna need a bigger boat." But none of these can match the sheer brilliance of the line that made this movie famous, the line improvised by John Barrowman after a hard day's work. Standing, relaxing, and talking to the female lead, he decided to utter these fateful words: "I'm a little wired... what do you say I take you home and eat your pussy?"

And thus we have Shark Attack 3. I'm relatively certain this is the only Straight-to-DVD film on this entire list, but it deserved to be here. It's in what I consider to be the Unholy Trinity: The Room, Troll 2, and Shark Attack 3. We're introduced to Ben (John Barrowman), who I'm pretty sure is some kind of coast guard in Mexico. He finds a giant shark tooth and posts it online as he can't identify it (and he takes the picture by holding it in his hand with his desk in the background, as it shows up on his screen with a white background and as if he weren't holding it). He's contacted by Cataline (Jenny McShane), a young marine researcher who says the tooth belongs to the Megalodon, a rare and ancient shark. But now they must start protecting people after a corporation draws the shark near with an underwater telecommunications wire.

There's absolutely no doubt that everything about this movie is horrible. It's a total mix of writing, acting, and directing. With such profound lines as "sharks are always biting things" or how characters react to situations (for instance, Cataline is standing in a dark room, and she screams when she appears out of nowhere when the night guard turns his flashlight in her direction). Don't even get me started on the scene where Ben grabs a miniature wooden bat and starts beating the shark on its side screaming "Die! Die! Die!" Anyway, the delivery of lines is off throughout, there's random nudity, and it's just... yeah, it's not good.

The editing is painful, as well. Every time the shark bites, you have these cheesy biting effects over the screen/camera. The attacks are choppily put together. And the film sometimes uses totally random stock footage that's not even the same visual/camera style. I also doesn't help that the shark looks smaller in the water, but ends up much larger when it attacks. Then there's the CGI in the third act... wow.

And the film has quite a few moments, particularly at the end that really, well... (yeah)... jump the shark. Really, the entire third act when you realize something rather... big. The movie just turns WTF awful from there. But in spite of this, it's all freakin' hilarious. Basically, from the aforementioned line (at the beginning of this review) onward, the movie takes a sharp turn and gets so bat-shit crazy you can't help but enjoy the ride.

That's the fun of Shark Attack 3. Like the other two films in the Unholy Trinity, it's painfully awful, but it's simultaneously buckets of fun. The first hour is unfortunately a bit slow (albeit still entertaining), but the last 30 minutes more than makes up for the rest of the film. If you're a fan of so-bad-they're good, and you haven't checked this one out, do so as soon as possible. You won't be sorry.


A Hot Mess