TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN.

This is my personal opinion, but I think the haters are hating too much, but the lovers might also be loving a bit too much, as well. The sequel picks up two years after the last, and Sam (Shia LaBeouf) is going off to college. His girlfriend Mikaela (Megan Fox) doesn't like being so far away, but Sam will find ways to keep in touch. And Sam's personal guardian transformer, Bumblebee, just feels left out. But after Sam finds a piece of the Allspark, he starts seeing a bunch of weird symbols that link to this... machine thingy... that there was this civil war over forever ago between the Autobot and Decepticon ancients. So The Fallen wants to use it, but can't because there's a Prime on the Earth? And... okay, I'm just gonna stop there.

I really have no f**king idea what the plot of this movie is. Hell, the characters even beg for a plot at one point in the movie (courtesy of John Turturro). Literally. He yells at one of the transformers to just lay out the plot already because nothing makes sense. And even afterwards, it still doesn't make sense. I don't know if it was just because I missed it or it was explained poorly, but I didn't even know what the big machine thing was supposed to do until the end of the film. And even after it's explained, I was still left with "um... okay... because that makes sense" thoughts. There are quite a few non-sensical things (or things with just poor reasonings behind them) in this movie. And it takes at least half the movie (and it's a long movie) before anything remotely plot-related occurs.

Much like the first film, entire scenes or even characters could have been removed completely. The "twins" were pretty unnecessary (and oftentimes annoying), and Leo, when not reminding me of a younger Kevin Corrigan, was just there for comic relief. However, despite his overall pointlessness, he was still an entertaining character, so he really didn't bother me at all.

Another place this movie "falls" is in character development. Outside Shia and Megan's characters, everybody else (including returning characters), are more like set pieces. Bumblebee and Optimus Prime are really the only returning Autobots that actually do anything for any portion of the movie (or are built-up, rather). The others are just kinda there. And the new ones hardly get enough screen time to matter (even those that do--the twins--you wish you had less of). Every character outside Shia and Megan's are so flat they'd almost be pointless if their story 'archs' (if you can call them that) weren't necessary to the 'plot' (if you can call it that).

The acting is decent, though... except from Megan Fox, who is just there for the T&A. And what lovely T&A it is (there's even a slow-mo Baywatch-esque running sequence).

I know this sounds like hating, but despite all of that negativity, I still enjoyed myself. Why? Because the action and special effects were good. The haters hate the movie because of the aforementioned things, of course. But what they also don't realize is that they're going in to a Transformers movie... as directed by Michael Bay. It's basically Robots & Explosions: The Movie. But I knew that going in. So knowing that, and still seeing it, I wasn't really disappointed. I didn't go in expecting Oscar-worthy plots and characters. I saw giant robots fighting each other and blowing crap up. That's what I went to see, and the movie delivered. Case closed.

Still, is it a good movie? Not really. But is it entertaining (even on a braindead level)? Heck yeah. So taking all things into consideration, including the outstanding visual effects (though even those had a few hiccups), I think I can give it a pretty fair score as a non-biased, knows-what-he's-getting-into source.


I Am McLovin!

THE TAKING OF PELHAM 123.

I've been excited for this movie since I first saw the trailer. As some of you know, I'm a big fan of heist films. There's no bank involved here, but it's a hostage film, which falls in the same category for me. In the end, it all comes down to "how are they going to get away with it?" This one is about Walter Garber (Denzel Washington), a subway dispatcher with a shaky past, who starts seeing something going on with one of the trains, Pelham 123. Turns out that the train is hijacked by Ryder (John Travolta) and his crew (Luis Guzman being the biggest name). They want 10 million dollars in one hour, or Ryder will kill a hostage every minute they're late. They bring in the hostage negotiator, Camonetti (John Turturro), and they contact the mayor (James Gandolfini). I'm sure you know the drill from there.

Is the movie exciting? Yes. Does it have action and suspense? More suspense than action, but yes. Is there comedy? A bit. All in all, the movie is very entertaining. It's no Inside Man, but it's very good. In fact, I think for the first time in my life, I'm actually agreeing with Roger Ebert: “Nobody gets terrifically worked up, except the special-effects people. Oh, John Travolta is angry and Denzel Washington is determined, but you don't sense passion in the performances.” It's just another character that Denzel has done a hundred times. He does it well because he should be used to it by now. I did like Travolta, too. It's like a more over-the-top and angry version of Vince Vega. The movie isn't all action as the trailers make it out to be. A lot of it is vocal interaction and relationship building between Denzel and Travolta, which is the greatest strength of the film.

You'll probably be hearing a lot about the cinematography of the film, which can best be described as frenetic. The movie is very stylistic as it plays with the speed of movement (no abusive slo-mo... it works more with blurry). For the most part it works. There were only one or two times when I really thought "Okay, was doing it right here necessary?"

There's really not much to hate or even dislike about the film. It's done well, overall. Two of my three biggest issues are similarly related. One deals with a possible plot hole (that they bring up in the film, actually) about why they had to get cars to deliver the money all the way across New York. Why? Well, to have a car driving sequence. And this is the second issue. That had to be one of the lamest attempts at a car-fueled adrenaline rush ever. You know all those car crashes and whatnot from the trailers? It's not really during any car chase. It's basically from a couple stupid drivers getting in the way after the street should already have been cleared by police. It's like "Now that we have them driving the money across the city, how can we make it more exciting? I know, toss in some cars that shouldn't be there."

The third biggest issue is the ending, which was a bit too cheesy for my tastes, especially for a "heist" film. Heist films are supposed to be cool, not cheesy. I can't really say what it is, as that's spoiler territory, but I'll leave it at that.

This is a lot of negative, but I honestly really liked the movie. These things are only small portions of the film. The actors aren't exactly phoning in their performances (especially Travolta). The story is good, though there wasn't that last big POW! that most heist films like to give, which I think is part of what brings it down a notch or two. There's no real twist. Everything that should be a surprise, you see coming a mile away. And when it's all said and done, it (being whatever big plot device occurs) never really amounts to a whole lot. In other words, the movie had the potential of a 5, but instead falls at about a 4.


A Keanu 'Whoa'

YOU DON'T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN.

To come out and say it straight up… this movie was very hit-and-miss. Zohan (Adam Sandler) is an Israeli counter-terrorist and overall lady’s man. In fact, he’s the best there is. But Zohan dreams of a better life, away from all the violence, in America to be a hairdresser. So after faking his death in a battle against The Phantom (John Turturro), Zohan travels to America, shaves his beard, cuts his hair, and continually tries (and fails) to get a job. He ends up meeting Michael (Nick Swardson), a basic loser who lives at home with his mom, and gets a place to stay. He also eventually, and reluctantly, takes up a job at a Palestinian hair salon as a hair sweeper. But when his boss Dalia (Emmanuelle Chriqui) finally gives him a shot, the place becomes a regular hot spot. Unfortunately, a big business guy, Walbridge (Michael Buffer), is trying to buy out all the small Middle Eastern businesses in order to build a big mall in their place. And, also, cab driver and terrorist Salim (Rob Schneider) recognizes the Zohan immediately from the day the Zohan stole his goat. Craziness ensues.

As I said, the movie was hit-and-miss. It was the same jokes over and over and over again: penis, hummus, penis, hummus, penis, penis, hummus, penis, Mariah Carey, penis, penis, hummus, hackey sack, electronics store, penis, penis, hummus, hummus, penis, Mariah Carey, penis, and finally, spurting hummus out as a metaphor of an orgasmic penis… you get the point. It was typically the jokes in between all the repeated ones that were the funniest (probably because it was a break in the repetition). The over-the-top action wasn’t as bad or annoying as I thought it would be. It worked pretty well, though there were moments where it tried too hard (like the ping pong grenade toward the beginning).

Nick Swardson really had some of the funnier parts of the movie (pretty much like any movie he’s in… like Click or The Benchwarmers), and he was really underused in it. But there are some pretty good cameos in the movie, as well, though I won’t spoil who. Though some were better than others. And the parts that were funny were pretty funny; they were just kinda few and far between.

On the visual side, this movie had quite a bit of male nudity (mostly Sandler’s backside, though I figure it was a stand-in). However, there was no female nudity. I take that back: there was female nudity, but not the kind the audience deserved. Though the actress who played Dalia really was rather hot.

The biggest problem with the movie was that it had way too much going on. There were too many plots. There was the hairdresser plot, the terrorist plot, the Phantom plot, the business-buy-out plot, etc. There was just too much going on and crammed into this movie, even if it was almost two hours long. And the climax of the movie was damn near anti-climactic and cop-out, while the ending of the actual movie nearly made me wonder why I had sat through the movie, as one of its biggest plots was rendered pointless (and almost hypocritical). And not to mention that about halfway into the movie, the hairdresser thing just kinda… goes away. You spend the first full half of the movie watching Zohan leave his old life, come to America, try to get a job, finally get a job, start to succeed at his job… and then it just stops. It’s exchanged for a romantic subplot with Dalia that comes out of nowhere.

All that aside, though, the movie did have some really funny moments. It wasn’t horrible by any means, but it wasn’t the best comedy I’ve ever seen, either. I’d say it was relatively average.

Stop Saying Okay! Okay.