Oh, God… I don’t even know where to begin. I’m not even going to bother with a plot summary, because I just saw it and even I don’t know (or care).

This movie was bad. Really bad. Horribly, horribly bad. I didn’t even want to see it, really, but one of my friends called me up last night, and she was feeling bored and a bit down, so she dragged me out to see this movie (even against my warnings of low ratings). There were only about 4 other people in the theater. 2 minutes in, and I’m staring at the screen like “What the hell is this? Please don’t tell me she’s liking this.” About 10 minutes later, she turns to me and says “This is the worst movie I’ve ever seen in my entire life.” And from there, the movie experience was heavenly.

We totally MST3K’d this bad boy. And I don’t even think the others in the theater cared, either, because they laughed along with us half the time (I mean, we weren’t doing it super loud or anything, but it occasionally dipped into ‘hearable’). If I had seen this movie alone, I might have even walked out for the first time in my life. But since she was with me to experience it and riff on it, it made this literally one of the funniest movies of the year.

I can’t even pull out samples of what was bad. Just pick any of the 103 minutes and there you go. The only good parts I’d say were Jaime King as Lorelei the glowing face of death, which probably made up about 1 minute (maybe 2, as she does have a little chunk of time toward the end) of the whole film. Oh, and the women were hot.

But everything was terrible. The dialogue, the constant monologue to NOBODY (even the CAT walked away), the acting, the story, and even the visuals. With Sin City, the color scheme was used artistically. In this movie, it was used randomly and with no real rhyme or reason. The movie was meant to be cheesy, but it didn’t work at all like, say, Speed Racer did. But I do admit that it will be a nice quotable movie like Napoleon Dynamite… except, you know, Napoleon Dynamite was actually good and re-watchable.

I’ll just end it here. This movie was just plain awful. It’s only watchable if you’re with friends (at least one) that you can sit there and riff on it with. And there’s so much to work with, too, that it’s just ridiculous. It’s like Frank Miller took a third of the cast from an asylum, a third from hobos on the street, and the last third from anywhere and just made them drunk. Some of the cast probably a mix of the three (just see the mud pit fight between The Spirit and The Octopus toward the beginning for further proof). But once he had that drunken, crazy cast, he paused every 30 seconds and asked “Okay, how can we make this movie as terrible as possible?” The result was The Spirit. I don’t know how to rate this movie. I’m just going to rate it on the quality of the film, not the entertainment value that my friend and I personally made from it. I still have no idea what I watched.

She's Gone From Suck to Blow!

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